| Counseling for Loss and Life Changes |
| Articles |
Five Stages of Grief: Myth or Consequence?
Jane V. Bissler, Ph.D., LPCC-S, Fellow in Thanotology
I had the privilege of sitting with Dr. Elsabeth Kubler-Ross at a conference
in 1990. At that time she was receiving a lifetime achievement award from
the Association of Death Education and Counseling in Miami, Florida. To
say the least, I was star struck. Here was this diminutive Swiss
powerhouse sitting in a concurrent session like the rest of us. It seemed
dichotomous to say the least!
As the presentation had not yet begun, I had the opportunity to ask her
what the greatest achievement had been in her life. She responded in a
thick Swiss accent that she wouldn’t discuss her accomplishments but
would share with me her greatest disappointment. I was aghast. The
doctor Elsabeth Kubler-Ross had a great disappointment? I listened as
she told me that her stages of dying had been “taken over” by the
thanatological community and was made into the stages of grief. She
shook her head negatively and looked filled with despair. I told her I was
aware that this was accurate and told her I would do my best to never use
this information incorrectly and when I had the opportunity I would correct
the belief. She patted my hand and looked at me as if I was a young child.
I knew then that these stages had more power as stages of dying than I
would ever be able to extinguish. It hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Dr. Kubler-Ross’ five stages were defined in her book, “On Death and
Dying” published in 1969. She identified and discussed these as the
process that many terminally ill people go through upon learning of their
terminal illness. Although there is a significant grief response for those who
are learning to assimilate the news of a terminal illness, it is not the same
grief as someone experiences after a significant death of a cherished
loved one.
I believe the bereavement community took on these five stages of dying
because it made a process that was not easy to understand or quantify
into a linear progress of controlled emotion and satisfactory results. When
you were done, you were done! Of course, nothing could be farther from
the truth.
The stages one goes through in order to assimilate the process of dying
do have some similarities to the phases of grief. I like to use the analogy
of losing the keys to your car. For example think about a normal work day
in your life. You arise at the normal time and go through your normal
morning routine. As you ready yourself to head out the door you go to
where you always keep your car keys. You are shocked when they aren’t
hanging on the keyboard, in the key drawer, in your purse or coat pocket.
You can’t believe your eyes.
1. DENIAL – “No, it can’t possibly be. I know I put them right here last
night.” You look everywhere! You check every nook and cranny in your
home. You search your car. You go back into the house and look
everywhere you have already looked!
2. ANGER/BLAMING -- “It isn’t possible! My keys were just here! I
never lose my keys. I take such good care of everything and I am always
so careful.” You rant and rave that your keys can’t be lost and if they are,
it isn’t your fault. It’s your stupid husband, wife, son, daughter,
houseguest, cleaning lady, or dog.
3. BARGAINING – “Keys, if you just show up I promise to be more
careful next time.” You make a deal with God, the house ghost, or the
keys themselves to be found so that you can be on your way.
4. DEPRESSION – “I can’t believe I’ve lost my keys. I’m going to be
fired, I am going to be demoted, and everyone is going to know that I am
irresponsible and a loser. How could I be so stupid?”
5. ACCEPTANCE – “Well, I’ve lost my keys. I’m going to be late for
work. I need to make a decision on what to do next. I can and will deal
with the consequences.”
These are the stages of dying. Some relate these to the stages of all
kinds of loss. I don’t believe this is accurate. Well, at least for the loss of a
pet or loved one. You may go through this process when you lose you
keys, your golf ball or your job. However, the losses that we experience
which are personal and profound do not allow for the luxury of controlled,
linear emotions.
I like to look at the phases of grief a bit differently. It is true that many
people experience the feelings of denial. Our brains are powerful and rely
on past experiences to make sense out of this world. A client of mine,
whose husband had died after eighteen years of marriage, shared a story
which proved to her that she was losing her mind.
“My husband, Al, died almost three months ago. It was a terrible car
accident and he was here one moment and gone the next. I have been
attending grief counseling and a grief group and while I am not myself, I
felt I was functioning pretty well. However, this morning I got the proof I
have been so afraid of.”
My husband worked nights and I worked days. We always enjoyed a
lovely breakfast when he returned home from his night shift and before I
left for my day of work. This morning I actually set a place at the table for
him. It’s been three months! I am losing my mind.”
This act of denial is normal, upsetting and devastating, yes, but normal.
When my client shared this story with me she was sure that I would know
she was crazy and would have her “committed”. It took a long time to help
her realize that this happens to many people who are grieving. I explained
that her mind would always go back to what it felt was normal. I also
explained that part of the task of grieving was to help create a new normal.
Some grieving people feel anger regarding their loss and others do not.
This is one way that the model described above does not work for those
who are grieving the loss of a loved one. For those who have anger, it is
my experience that this anger is expressed in many ways throughout the
grieving process and is not a phase or a specific task.
Bargaining is not something that can be done when death happens. Death
and the loss we are left with is a permanent state and there is nothing to
bargain for. The loss is permanent and we know that nothing will ever
bring this loved one back into our lives in the same way.
Depression is a definite part for the vast majority of grievers. I am not
referring to the clinical diagnosis of depression. For many there is not a
change in their brain chemistry which creates this illness. No, it is a feeling
of emptiness, of pining for the loved one, and a melancholy that robs one
of energy. It is pervasive and at times devastating. It is like being stuck in
thickening Jell-O or wet concrete. Everything that happens does so in slow
motion. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. What you could always
depend on, you can no longer do so.
Acceptance is a word that creates much discussion among the grieving
community. What are we really asking them to do? To accept that their
child, husband, loved one has died and it was right? Create a life without
that person without looking back? Ignore the aching in our hearts that
provide us proof that a hole is there that can never be filled? No, this is not
possible! We are not grieving the loss of our car keys, car keys that can
be replaced. We do have a hole in our hearts and although it can be
surrounded by the love and support of others, education and counseling
that we obtain, and time wielding experience, the hole cannot be filled.
Most grieving people don’t want it to be filled. If it were to be, the special
person who occupied that space would be gone and forgotten. That is not
acceptance, that is replacement!
Jane V. Bissler, Ph.D., LPCC-S, Fellow in Thanotology
I had the privilege of sitting with Dr. Elsabeth Kubler-Ross at a conference
in 1990. At that time she was receiving a lifetime achievement award from
the Association of Death Education and Counseling in Miami, Florida. To
say the least, I was star struck. Here was this diminutive Swiss
powerhouse sitting in a concurrent session like the rest of us. It seemed
dichotomous to say the least!
As the presentation had not yet begun, I had the opportunity to ask her
what the greatest achievement had been in her life. She responded in a
thick Swiss accent that she wouldn’t discuss her accomplishments but
would share with me her greatest disappointment. I was aghast. The
doctor Elsabeth Kubler-Ross had a great disappointment? I listened as
she told me that her stages of dying had been “taken over” by the
thanatological community and was made into the stages of grief. She
shook her head negatively and looked filled with despair. I told her I was
aware that this was accurate and told her I would do my best to never use
this information incorrectly and when I had the opportunity I would correct
the belief. She patted my hand and looked at me as if I was a young child.
I knew then that these stages had more power as stages of dying than I
would ever be able to extinguish. It hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Dr. Kubler-Ross’ five stages were defined in her book, “On Death and
Dying” published in 1969. She identified and discussed these as the
process that many terminally ill people go through upon learning of their
terminal illness. Although there is a significant grief response for those who
are learning to assimilate the news of a terminal illness, it is not the same
grief as someone experiences after a significant death of a cherished
loved one.
I believe the bereavement community took on these five stages of dying
because it made a process that was not easy to understand or quantify
into a linear progress of controlled emotion and satisfactory results. When
you were done, you were done! Of course, nothing could be farther from
the truth.
The stages one goes through in order to assimilate the process of dying
do have some similarities to the phases of grief. I like to use the analogy
of losing the keys to your car. For example think about a normal work day
in your life. You arise at the normal time and go through your normal
morning routine. As you ready yourself to head out the door you go to
where you always keep your car keys. You are shocked when they aren’t
hanging on the keyboard, in the key drawer, in your purse or coat pocket.
You can’t believe your eyes.
1. DENIAL – “No, it can’t possibly be. I know I put them right here last
night.” You look everywhere! You check every nook and cranny in your
home. You search your car. You go back into the house and look
everywhere you have already looked!
2. ANGER/BLAMING -- “It isn’t possible! My keys were just here! I
never lose my keys. I take such good care of everything and I am always
so careful.” You rant and rave that your keys can’t be lost and if they are,
it isn’t your fault. It’s your stupid husband, wife, son, daughter,
houseguest, cleaning lady, or dog.
3. BARGAINING – “Keys, if you just show up I promise to be more
careful next time.” You make a deal with God, the house ghost, or the
keys themselves to be found so that you can be on your way.
4. DEPRESSION – “I can’t believe I’ve lost my keys. I’m going to be
fired, I am going to be demoted, and everyone is going to know that I am
irresponsible and a loser. How could I be so stupid?”
5. ACCEPTANCE – “Well, I’ve lost my keys. I’m going to be late for
work. I need to make a decision on what to do next. I can and will deal
with the consequences.”
These are the stages of dying. Some relate these to the stages of all
kinds of loss. I don’t believe this is accurate. Well, at least for the loss of a
pet or loved one. You may go through this process when you lose you
keys, your golf ball or your job. However, the losses that we experience
which are personal and profound do not allow for the luxury of controlled,
linear emotions.
I like to look at the phases of grief a bit differently. It is true that many
people experience the feelings of denial. Our brains are powerful and rely
on past experiences to make sense out of this world. A client of mine,
whose husband had died after eighteen years of marriage, shared a story
which proved to her that she was losing her mind.
“My husband, Al, died almost three months ago. It was a terrible car
accident and he was here one moment and gone the next. I have been
attending grief counseling and a grief group and while I am not myself, I
felt I was functioning pretty well. However, this morning I got the proof I
have been so afraid of.”
My husband worked nights and I worked days. We always enjoyed a
lovely breakfast when he returned home from his night shift and before I
left for my day of work. This morning I actually set a place at the table for
him. It’s been three months! I am losing my mind.”
This act of denial is normal, upsetting and devastating, yes, but normal.
When my client shared this story with me she was sure that I would know
she was crazy and would have her “committed”. It took a long time to help
her realize that this happens to many people who are grieving. I explained
that her mind would always go back to what it felt was normal. I also
explained that part of the task of grieving was to help create a new normal.
Some grieving people feel anger regarding their loss and others do not.
This is one way that the model described above does not work for those
who are grieving the loss of a loved one. For those who have anger, it is
my experience that this anger is expressed in many ways throughout the
grieving process and is not a phase or a specific task.
Bargaining is not something that can be done when death happens. Death
and the loss we are left with is a permanent state and there is nothing to
bargain for. The loss is permanent and we know that nothing will ever
bring this loved one back into our lives in the same way.
Depression is a definite part for the vast majority of grievers. I am not
referring to the clinical diagnosis of depression. For many there is not a
change in their brain chemistry which creates this illness. No, it is a feeling
of emptiness, of pining for the loved one, and a melancholy that robs one
of energy. It is pervasive and at times devastating. It is like being stuck in
thickening Jell-O or wet concrete. Everything that happens does so in slow
motion. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. What you could always
depend on, you can no longer do so.
Acceptance is a word that creates much discussion among the grieving
community. What are we really asking them to do? To accept that their
child, husband, loved one has died and it was right? Create a life without
that person without looking back? Ignore the aching in our hearts that
provide us proof that a hole is there that can never be filled? No, this is not
possible! We are not grieving the loss of our car keys, car keys that can
be replaced. We do have a hole in our hearts and although it can be
surrounded by the love and support of others, education and counseling
that we obtain, and time wielding experience, the hole cannot be filled.
Most grieving people don’t want it to be filled. If it were to be, the special
person who occupied that space would be gone and forgotten. That is not
acceptance, that is replacement!
The following article was written for this site. It is the premise of
most thanatologists (those who study death and loss) and a view
that this website is based on. May it bring you some small sense of
peace.
most thanatologists (those who study death and loss) and a view
that this website is based on. May it bring you some small sense of
peace.
| WEEKLY ARTICLES |
Q. I was just fired from my job. I think I was seen as a bad and unproductive employee. My husband died of brain
cancer five months ago. I used all my vacation and sick time to be with him when he was ill. I didn’t know about the
Family Leave Act and it appears my employer was not about to provide me with those details. Twenty days after
his death, I returned to work. I had to! I have three little girls to support and I need my job. Ironically, I worked in
the human relations department. Part of my job was to get employees back to work and find the support that they
need so they can be productive. I am guilty of having an expectation that other employees who were returning
after a bereavement leave should be more productive than they were able to be. I was given no training to work
with bereaved people and other than talking with them, I made no special accommodations for their lack of ability
to concentrate, organize or be energized. I now understand these needs. It’s too late for them and too late for me.
I am much wiser now and would like to use this knowledge to help others. What accommodations should be made
for grieving employees?
A. I am so sorry to hear of the death of your husband. Brain cancer is so difficult on the family and I’m sure it was
on you and your little girls. I’m also so sorry for the loss of your job. I hope you have luck in using your knowledge
to find even a better job!
I have had the privilege of speaking to managers about grief in the workplace. I believe the best way for an
employer to begin the support process if to learn about grief and understand the incredible toll it takes on the
employee and all those he or she works with. Without this knowledge most employers and co-workers will run
away, ignore or change the subject when a grief reaction comes in to focus. Unfortunately, this creates isolation, a
disconnection and detachment for the employee who is grieving. Their normal concentration and organization
abilities are severely challenged and the treatment they are given by uninformed employers is usually not
supportive.
Employers would be wise to realize that each bereavement situation is unique and no limited program will cover all
situations. Employees need to be treated as individuals and be supervised and reviewed as individuals.
I hope you will find a new job in the same field and be able to bring this knowledge into your new place of
business. Good luck.
cancer five months ago. I used all my vacation and sick time to be with him when he was ill. I didn’t know about the
Family Leave Act and it appears my employer was not about to provide me with those details. Twenty days after
his death, I returned to work. I had to! I have three little girls to support and I need my job. Ironically, I worked in
the human relations department. Part of my job was to get employees back to work and find the support that they
need so they can be productive. I am guilty of having an expectation that other employees who were returning
after a bereavement leave should be more productive than they were able to be. I was given no training to work
with bereaved people and other than talking with them, I made no special accommodations for their lack of ability
to concentrate, organize or be energized. I now understand these needs. It’s too late for them and too late for me.
I am much wiser now and would like to use this knowledge to help others. What accommodations should be made
for grieving employees?
A. I am so sorry to hear of the death of your husband. Brain cancer is so difficult on the family and I’m sure it was
on you and your little girls. I’m also so sorry for the loss of your job. I hope you have luck in using your knowledge
to find even a better job!
I have had the privilege of speaking to managers about grief in the workplace. I believe the best way for an
employer to begin the support process if to learn about grief and understand the incredible toll it takes on the
employee and all those he or she works with. Without this knowledge most employers and co-workers will run
away, ignore or change the subject when a grief reaction comes in to focus. Unfortunately, this creates isolation, a
disconnection and detachment for the employee who is grieving. Their normal concentration and organization
abilities are severely challenged and the treatment they are given by uninformed employers is usually not
supportive.
Employers would be wise to realize that each bereavement situation is unique and no limited program will cover all
situations. Employees need to be treated as individuals and be supervised and reviewed as individuals.
I hope you will find a new job in the same field and be able to bring this knowledge into your new place of
business. Good luck.
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