Counseling for Loss and Life Changes, Inc.

I seem to be the one who is struggling right now. My sleep patterns are weird, sometimes I laugh so hard I cry and sometimes I cry so hard I laugh. My thinking is so fuzzy that I’m afraid I will be fired. I used to be able to lean into my faith, but now I’m just not sure what I believe. My body aches and I feel half sick all the time.

I know you suggest seeing a grief specialist so I looked and found someone in my community who is certified in this area. However, when I talked with her on the phone she told me she takes a holistic approach to counseling. Can you explain that term to me? I want to make sure I am with the right person.

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your son. He sounds like a wonderful boy and I can’t imagine how much you miss him.

I’m so glad you have decided to see a grief specialist. Not doing so is like seeing a podiatrist for a heart attack! The term holistic just means that she will work with you in all the areas of your life that are being disrupted by grief. She would categorize the ways you describe your grief as emotional, cognitive, spiritual and physical. This is a good sign and shows that she understands that grief is pervasive and affects all areas of the body, mind and soul. With this approach, she will be able to give you coping mechanisms for all these grief responses.

Good luck and please stay in touch to let me know how you are doing.

Q. My husband died last summer. I haven’t moved the furniture, changed his bed or picked up his shoes from the doorway since he died. I guess I have been hoping that he will come back someday and I wanted him to find everything just as he left it. However, spring is just around the corner and it’s time for me to face reality. Do you have any suggestions for how to do this task?

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your husband. It sounds as if he died suddenly and that makes the loss so much harder on the survivors.

Removing his physical presence from your home is a difficult, but necessary task. I had an aunt who told me that she didn’t want the extra closet space, but certainly wanted someone to be able to use his nice clothes. That is a great attitude and at this economic time, someone less fortunate can certainly use your husband’s nice things.

My suggestion is to make several piles of clothing and shoes. The first pile will be the one you know you can give away or, if things are worn or stained, thrown away. The second pile will be for things that you aren’t sure you can part with at this time. The final pile will be those items that you know you want to keep. Discard the first pile through a shelter, community clothing agency, or the trash. Store the second pile in airtight bins and revisit these containers in the fall or even next spring. The third pile can then be use in different ways.

Some people give some of the clothing to a creative person to make a quilt or wall hanging out of it. It’s a lovely way to display the shirts, ties or hats that your husband was especially found of. Being able to wrap yourself in a quilt made of his things is wonderful and comforting.

Some people will leave the special clothes hanging in their closet. Seeing his clothes mixed in with yours helps to remind you that your life together was intertwined and your memories always will be. Sometimes the clothes will hang on to the scent of the person and this can be wonderful to when you open the closet door and catch the smell of him.

Others will give some of these special clothes to family members or close friends. Sometimes seeing someone else who you love wear your husband’s things brings comfort to you and to them.

Whatever you decide to do, it will be the right decision. There is no hurry in doing this work. Some people do it in a few weeks and others do it in a few years. Be gentle with yourself as you progress through grief.

Q. I have sort of an odd grief question. My dad was a World War II Veteran. He was VERY proud of this fact, wore his naval ball cap proudly and was always very touched on Memorial Day. He attended several reunions with his shipmates and was always very quiet when he returned from there. My mom would go with him and said what a wonderful time they always had. She also noticed his quiet mood when they would return from these trips. Dad didn’t do email so other than getting together with these people every ten years or so, he didn’t really have any contact with his “buddies”.

It seems to me that this process was some kind of grief. He seemed so sad but never wanted to talk about it. Mom said he would have really bad nightmares when he returned too, but said he didn’t remember having a dream when she would ask him in the morning. Could he have been working through something awful and not want to talk about it with her?

I remember begging him to tell me about his experiences in the Pacific but he always changed the subject so I don’t really know what happened there. Is this common practice for Veterans?

A. It sounds as if your father has died, and if that is true please know that you have my deepest sympathy. My dad was a WWII vet as well so I do understand what you are saying.

We have done a terrible disservice in this country with our grief responses. We use the terms “breaking down, feeling bad, terrible crying, she was just a mess, he couldn’t handle it, they were just sick about it, etc” when we talk about people who are grieving. This gives the message that feeling our emotions is wrong, and grief is negative. Of course, nothing could be farther from the truth.

Our returning veterans from all wars and conflicts have not been taught how to grieve. They have been told to keep a stiff upper lip and move on. Especially those survivors from World War II were told not to talk about what happened “over there”, not to show emotion, and to “shoulder these burdens” to protect their loved ones. They watched what happened to those military men and women who returned from Vietnam and now the Middle East who have talked about it. Our country has not been kind to those gallant and brave soldiers.

So, yes, your father was certainly grieving for those men and women lost. He was processing the only way he knew how, silently and stoically. Let’s help the next generation know this type of grieving is not necessary and show them the support they deserve!

Q. I lost my little girl five months ago and I am having a hard time dealing with this situation.　 I want to get my life on track again but I am finding this hard to do.　 I was only five months pregnant. Can you please help me?　

A. I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your daughter. This loss is so difficult for many reasons and unfortunately not sanctioned or grieved for by a large segment of our society. It’s what we refer to as a disenfranchised type of grief.

When a child dies, it’s difficult to understand our future. Many of us feel like we get to know our children even before they are born. We take care of ourselves because we understand their nourishment and health comes us. We might talk and sing to the baby, and make plans for her arrival. To us, this is already our child and we love her.

Some people know their child has died in utero. They, of course, are devastated by this and then have to go through the birth process to deliver this child. Others are surprised by the onset of their labor and remain hopeful that the baby, though small, will somehow survive and will be able to be held and loved outside of their mother. When this doesn’t happen, it is a crushing blow.

Please know that after only five months your grief will remain raw and will be taking a significant amount of your energy. The grief process is similar no matter how long you knew your child. This is the time you need to touch your sorrow and feel your feelings. It’s not a time to be strong or accomplished or composed. It’s a time for you to create a new normal; one without this precious child who you thought would be living with you.

Realize that she is with you, but in a different way than you ever thought she would. See her in the gift of a spring rain, the vision of a rainbow, or the fluttering of a butterfly. Smell her in the scent of a flower or the sweet fragrance of new grass. Feel her in the warmth of the sunshine or the soft breeze blowing against your cheek. She is everywhere and you will never truly be alone.

“Joy is not about music and dance and laughter, but about the acceptance of Life. Healing happens only where fear and love, joy and sorrow, tears and smiles, can forge a lasting peace. The healing I speak of lies not in some safe place along the way, but in having made the journey stage by stage. Until you reach that place, a place you may not now believe exists, I will save your space and watch with confidence for your smiles yet to be.” (Mary I. Farr).

Q. I am really struggling with a situation. My son died three years ago. As you would say, I’ve found some stability in my grief. I have, of course, returned to work, my surviving children are doing well, my husband seems quieter, but is beginning to do some of the things he enjoyed doing before Jason died. We, as a family, are getting through the holidays somewhat better. We’ve worked to make them different and that has helped. However, the snag I’m dealing with now is finding the answer I’m comfortable with about how many children we have.

My husband has recently been appointed to several national company oversight boards. I have recently gotten some new responsibilities in a new department. For some reason, we are both meeting new, mostly business, acquaintances right now, and of course they don’t know our story of loss. One of the most popular questions seems to be when we are meeting people for the first time is, “so tell me, how many children do you have?” This strikes fear and horror in our hearts. How should we answer without making the asker feel badly?

A. I am so sorry to learn of Jason’s death. I can tell by your letter how hard you and your family have worked to find some stability and have found ways to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The question you raise is a good one. So many families struggle with this. Sometimes family members tell me they deny the existence of the deceased child. They believe that this response makes it easier for the questioner, and I believe they are right. However, the guilt that these families endure regarding this denial is devastating! They feel it shows they did not love their child and that no one will know about him or her.

It seems the best response for all concerned is to acknowledge the life and the death of this child in the same breath as you mention the surviving children. For example, you might say, “We have three children, Jeff who is 12 and a great football player, Jason who died when he was 17 in a car accident, and Beth who will be 16 next year and is so eager to drive!” Placing the deceased child in the middle of the surviving children will allow the asker to feel safe in continuing the conversation with you. He or she will also have the freedom to ask about the surviving children and/or hopefully give you their empathetic words regarding your Jason. If you only have two children, it’s good to mention the deceased child first so that the mentioning his death will not stop the conversation and cause the awkward feelings you wish to avoid.

Q. Our fifteen year old son, Matt, committed suicide last year. We have just attended our first Survivors of Suicide meeting and we were shocked to find out that the suicide rate for adolescent males is on the rise. Why is this happening? What can we do about it?

A. I am so sorry to learn of Matt’s death. It is such a shame that he felt he just couldn’t go on with his life. I can’t imagine the heartache you must be experiencing.

Your statistics are, unfortunately, accurate. Between 1952 and 1995, suicide in young adults nearly tripled. One person dies by suicide every 16.2 minutes. Almost 17% of high school students report they have seriously considered attempting suicide and 8.5% of high school students have attempted suicide one or more times!

Asking about what we can all do is so gracious of you. People who are grieving usually have a bit too much on their plate to be working hard for others. However, let me give you, and others, some things to watch out for. These are well known warning signs. For instance if you know a young person who exhibits one of these signs, it’s best to get them to someone who can make an assessment of what they might be thinking or planning.

The following list are warning signs that need to be follow up on immediately by a professional.

Q. I wish I could say I enjoyed your article last week. However, all this talk about suicide scared me to death. I have three adolescent children and they all exhibit one or more of those warning signs that you posted. How are we supposed to know when they need to be assessed by a professional?

A. I’m sorry you were frightened by the information in last week’s article. My belief structure is that knowledge is power. In the case of suicide, hiding from warning signs just makes suicide more likely and it is ALWAYS devastating!

You bring up an excellent point – how do we know the difference between normal adolescent behavior and abnormal behavior. Simply stated we are looking at the intensity of behavior. For instance one of the warning signs is self-mutilation. Kids will sometimes get a tattoo or piercing that parents don’t know about. This is not abnormal behavior. A warning sign for suicide relating to self-mutilation includes intentionally hurting themselves. Sometimes parents will see eraser burns, cut marks or deep scratches on an adolescent’s arms, neck or legs. If you ask about these things or find your adolescent being more vigilant about keeping these areas covered, it is cause for concern.

Another area is unhealthy peer relationship. If you find, for example, your daughter is in a relationship with someone who is controlling her every move, uses abusive language toward her or is physically abusive to her, this is cause for concern and intervention by you.

The warning signs I gave you last week that are cause for immediate action included verbal cues about suicide or death. If you hear your adolescent talking to his/her peers about dying or suicide, or if they talk with you about just not wanting to live, how hard life is or it’s not worth it any more you will need to take action immediately. This is usually not pleasant as an adolescent feels their life is no one else’s business and they aren’t going to talk with anyone. By taking them to someone who can ascertain their depression or suicidal thoughts, you may be saving their life. Isn’t it worth them being angry with you?

Bullying is another serious warning sign. If your child is being bullied, please contact his or her school counselor and ask for this to be intervened with. Most school counselors have expertise in this area and will be able to get all parties together to remedy this situation.

Q. I know you have spent the last two weeks talking about suicide warning signs for adolescents. But, my son is only 10 years old. Do I need to worry about suicide in someone who is so young?

A. Thanks for writing in with this extremely important question. Did you know that suicide is the sixth leading cause of death for those 5 to 14 years of age? Also, did you know that the rate of suicide for those aged 10 – 14 has increased by 8% from 2003 to 2004? Girls who are aged 10 – 14 were almost twice as likely as boys to have thoughts about or have tried to commit suicide. The suicide rate for children in the United States is two times higher than that in all other countries combined. To me these are scary statistics but if we understand what is happening we might be able to intervene and reduce these numbers.

Here are some suicide statistics for elementary and middle school students.

Adolescents. Here are some for this age group.

We used to think that children would not even consider completing suicide. We now know, unfortunately, this is not the fact and with increasing frequency it is happening.

It is so important that this type of death be talked about. Keeping it a secret creates a romantic mystery around it and may make it more prevalent. We need to reassure our children that even if they have these thoughts we are there to nurture and help them through them. Let them know they can share with you any thoughts they may have.

Please don’t hesitate to contact a professional school or community counselor with your concerns. We are all trying desperately to help these children and together we can make a difference.

Q. My sister died several years ago and one of her children read a poem called, She is Gone. I can’t find the words or origin of that poem anywhere. Could you help me?

A. I am so sorry to hear about your sister’s death. Words can be so soothing during such an emotional time.

I was able to find the poem to which you may be referring. It was actually read at the Queen Mother’s funeral in London, England and is really beautiful. The poem was written by David Harkins in 1981.

She is Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone

Or you can smile because she has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her

Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember her and only that she is gone

Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Q. My father died six weeks ago. He was my only surviving parent and I miss him very much. Since his death, I have felt more alone than I have ever experienced. I have siblings, a wonderful husband and three great children. However, there is something odd about not having parents anymore.

During the calling hours, someone told me that losing a parent is the point in life where it is finally necessary to become a grownup. I am beginning to understand this concept. I can clearly see my past and present, but the future looks stark, cold and daunting. What are your thoughts on this stage of life?

A. I am so sorry to learn of your father’s death. I do understand what you are saying as my mother, my last surviving parent, died just last month.

This is the time in my life where ritual becomes even more important to me. I am creating a life as the oldest generation in my family of origin. It is a time for my husband and I to be the matriarch and patriarch of our own family. It is also a time to lean into our extended family and connect with our older aunts and uncles. They continue to provide the vision of the past that helps to steer our future.

We become the hub of our family for our children and our grand children. They will watch as we walk the same path as our parents have done and eventually they will become the oldest generation. It can be comforting to proceed in this life knowing that we are now setting the model for the next generation. It can be a new beginning as we take all the good from our parents and their generation and sprinkle it with our personalities, established patterns of behaviors and new rituals that we wish to create.

However, the loneliness that you feel is also powerful. These feelings are not to be ignored but　need to be processed and eventually understood. They create as much impact as bringing home your first child; feeling the awesome wonder and responsibility of being a parent for the first time. They are as long lasting as life itself and will morph and change as we have as spouses, parents, and even grandparents. Don’t push the feelings away, but realize this is a time of tremendous growth and change. The meaning that is created will serve you well as you take your role as the oldest generation of your family.　

Q. My sister passed away in　1984 She had two children ages 6 & 4. My husband and I　had her children every weekend, vacation, and during their after school activities until he was murdered in 1991. Our daughter, Jacklyn, was 5 months old when my husband died and is currently 18 years old.

Jacklyn has always been an angry child. Throughout her life I have exposed her to massage therapy, yoga, dance, meditation, and counseling. However, nothing seems to have helped.　Jacklyn says she is angry because everyone, including my deceased sister's children, knew her dad but her. I continue to have pictures of him with her in our home, so he is a daily presence.　

I explained to Jacklyn that I understand her anger but she has to release it positively. I tried to explain that she will have empty feelings at times but she just needs to get calm, meditate and feel the warmth in her heart. Jacklyn says she tries to do this but it never works. Do you have any answers for how I can help my daughter?

A. I'm so sorry to hear about all the losses during　your lifetime. You and Jacklyn indeed have much to be sorrowful about. I can really appreciate your wanting her to release her anger in a positive way. As adults we understand the need for this practice and how it can positively affect our life in the future. However, at 18 years of age, she probably does not have the willingness or ability to do this.　

　　　　 Some children, and most adolescents, have an easier time expressing　anger than they have expressing　other emotions. It just seems to make more sense to them and fit better into their normal thinking patterns. While　it is not easy for parents to deal with these strong emotions, the child usually feels they have little, if any, choice in expressing themselves. Sometimes these children are labeled with oppositional　defiant disorder　when really they just don't know what else to do.

　　　　 I am glad you have worked hard in finding ways for Jacklyn to express herself. I wouldn't say nothing has worked, as these are skills she will take with her throughout her life and hopefully will be able to use with other problems that crop up. You are a good　mom to continue searching　for ways to help her.　

　　　　 Although I don't know your daughter, it seems to　me that working with her to know her father in a way only HIS DAUGHTER could know him is the way to help her. If I were working with her,　I would have her write to him　letting him know his Jacklyn. I would then have other family members who knew him well; respond to her writings (if she was okay with this) from her father’s perspective, saying what he would have said. My belief structure is that he does　know his daughter and that Jacklyn can know her father. This, of course, does　not take the place of a physical relationship with her father, but it may help her live a full and productive life.

Q. My son, Mitch, was murdered in Washington State four years ago. He was abducted from his car and found three weeks later on the side of a desolate road leading to a mountain peak. Unfortunately, the road was closed due to a mudslide so he was not found sooner. Even though the animals had their way with him, it was obvious he died a very violent death.

My nephew completed suicide a year ago. He and Mitch were very close and my sister believes that Jason died because of Mitch’s death. I don’t have the answer to this, but since Jason didn’t leave a note my feeling is that we will never know the answer to this mystery.

My sister and I have been very close since we were children. She helped me as much as she could when Mitch was murdered. However, she doesn’t feel like I can help her with her grief over Jason’s suicide. She says that the circumstances were so different that the only people who understand her grief are those whose children have also completed suicide. Is this true?

A. I am so sorry to hear about the tragedies in your family. Losing a son is horrible and then losing a nephew is almost insurmountable! You have my deepest empathy.

Who and in what ways can help your sister is really up to her. I understand what she is saying, but research leads us to a different understanding. Drs. John Jordan and Edward Rynearson have both done extensive research in the field of violent death. Jordan’s research has mostly been with the grief of survivors of suicide and Rynearson’s research has mostly been with the grief of survivors of homicide. The information collaboratively presented at the 2009 ADEC conference was that the grief is really quite similar. When loved ones are not with the person who is dying it creates a trauma reaction. When the death is a violent act, which most murders and most suicides are, it creates another trauma reaction.

We are beginning to understand that complicated grief reactions are neurologically based, that is they create a change in brain chemistry, which then creates common reactions in different people. I know much of this might sound like psycho-mumbo jumbo, but the point is that you and your sister have probably experienced common reactions to your individual grief and therefore might be very helpful to one another.

I hope she moves toward you in her grief and allows your experience to prepare her for what may be coming down the road during her grief process.

Q. My very good friend is having a really hard time dealing with her mom’s terminal illness. My friend is a single child from a single parent home. Her mother lives far away and wants my friend to move back home.

My friend’s mother is depressed and suffering from emotional breakdowns at the thought of her situation and has very little emotional support. Her mother wants her home for emotional support but my friend 1) doesn’t know how to provide the support for a parent who could die at any moment 2) needs emotional support herself 3) has a job and a living situation that she loves and will loose if she leaves to go back home. She is in a major career building opportunity that is her major source of stability and doesn’t want to give it up.　

Do you know of any support groups/networks that can help either of them?

A. You several very good questions. I am happy that you are looking for information to provide to your friend. Hopefully you will be able to support her in whatever decision she decides to make for herself.

I certainly understand that your friend doesn’t know how to support a parent who is dying. Most of us don’t have those skills AND many of us don’t have much time to acquire such skills before they are needed. I would suggest reading Ira Byock, M.D.’s book entitled Dying Well: Peace and Possibilities at the End of Life. It is a wonderful book and the one that is a must read for anyone who is supporting a dying loved one.

Most people who are dying need emotional support. I haven’t been in those shoes myself, but have walked this path with several who are. It is an odd place to be! Most people are not ready to die and really don’t know how to act and what to say. Some people are afraid of death and the reality of the unknown creates more anxiety. For some this anxiety creates shame. Many religions teach us of the wonders of heaven and that, through dying, we will be in the presence of God. This, of course, is based on faith and when faith waivers, guilt sometimes sets in.

Family Medical Leave Act is a wonderful Federal program. It allows people in your friend’s situation to leave a job, temporarily, to attend to family business WITHOUT loosing their job. Please have her check into this with her employer.

Hospice provides the kind of support your friend and her mother need. The social workers, nurses and aides will provide the medical and emotional help to your friend and to her mother. Have her friend call her doctor today to have these incredible services by incredible professionals started.

Q. I have lost two children, my only daughter from a tragic single car accident in 1988 and my one-month-old baby son from late onset spinal meningitis, caused by strep b bacteria. Now, I’ve lost my dad in 2007 from gallbladder cancer and my sister to colon cancer. The latest has been my dear, 82 year old mom whom was also my best friend. My mom had lung cancer was taken care of by hospice. I did my best to take care of her. However, I am afraid she was frightened when she died.

My mom made all kinds of sounds when she was dying. I asked hospice to tell me if she was scared. They said they couldn’t answer me. Why couldn’t they tell me? I thought this was what they were supposed to be able to tell me.

She was aware that her body was shutting down. Her final evening, when the hospice nurse came, she asked if she liked music. I told them she did and turned the radio on softly next to her bed. That’s when she began making the sounds of not being able to grasp life.

I guess I’m trying to find out something to make myself feel better. I was there for three years taking care of her and did all I could to make sure she was safe and peaceful. However, it didn’t end so and that’s why I’m concerned. Please help.

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your Mom. I am, however VERY thankful that you were there for her and able to provide help, support and meaning to her final years. It is a privilege to make this walk with someone but also a great deal of work, worry and concern.

I have found hospice to be my lifesaver and a wealth of advice, expertise, professionalism and care. We were fortunate to be under their care for both of my parents’ final days and ultimate deaths. However, I do understand that hospice caregivers want to make sure they are giving you their knowledge and support without guessing or telling you what you want to hear. If they weren’t sure about your mother’s emotions during her final minutes, they wouldn’t make assumptions.

The dying process is unique, as is the grief process, for everyone who experiences it. Some people don’t seem to be in their bodies during their final minutes and others seem to have their essence until their final breaths. It also seems that the distinctive sounds, which can be unsettling for us, are part of the process and have little emotional energy attached to their soul being at peace while it leaves the body.

Perhaps attending the hospice bereavement groups in your area would allow you to speak with others who have similar experiences. I believe in the group support model and feel you would find it helpful too.

Q. My father died by suicide two year ago. I am in a new school now and I’m afraid to tell people what happened. I have been lying about it and telling people that my parents are divorced, but that isn’t working for me anymore. What should I be telling my friends about why my Dad is never around and why I don’t go and visit with him?

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your father. It is too bad that suicide is such a terrible stigma that you felt you had to lie about his death. I understand your reasoning but it does make a problem for you now.

I wonder if you have a good friend at your new school, one who you trust and you feel understands you. If so, please sit down with him or her and explain the circumstances of your dad’s death and why you chose to say that Mom and Dad were divorced. Talk about your fears of telling people how your Dad died and perhaps experiences you have had when you were honest with others. Let him or her know you are looking for support but you would appreciate being the one who brings up the subject. Let your friend know you will be telling other friends in time and ask for his or her support in doing this. Ask your friend to make sure that rumors are ended when they reach him or her.

If you don’t have a good friend at your new school yet you will probably want to avoid talking about your Dad’s death until you feel comfortable in your new surroundings and have some trust built up with new friends. Unfortunately, children can be cruel and if they don’t understand the situation their comments may come across as crude and unsupportive.

Have you told your mother how you have reported your Dad’s death to your classmates? She might be very helpful to you, as she has probably told her friends and co-workers what happened to your Dad. She might be able to share with you what worked for her and what caused her more pain. I hope you can trust her to help you with this.

Please know that your father’s death was NOT your fault. So many children, adolescents and adults with whom I work feel that their loved one’s suicide was somehow the fault of a family member. Suicide is the most selfish act of our time. It is a way for the deceased to relieve themselves of the pain they felt. It is not about external problems, but of the way the deceased handled the problems. It is not about the family structure but about the way the person interpreted the structure. It is not about the illness the person had, but of the way they saw the illness. Please assure yourself that you could not have caused it and could not have prevented it!

Q. My father died three months ago. Wow, what an experience that was. I thought I was ready for him to die as he was in pain and really miserable. He had congestive heart failure and it was difficult for him to be the man he had always been and the man he wanted to be with this condition. He died as peacefully as he could, but it wasn’t the “fall asleep and never wake up” kind of death that I think we all want!

I’m shocked about my feelings now. Again, I thought I was ready but have found that I am sadder than I thought I would be. I seem to cry about stupid stuff like seeing people mow their lawns. My Dad LOVED to mow his lawn, pick up sticks, weed the flowerbeds and trim the rose bushes. Now, when I see a little white haired man doing these things it brings tears to my eyes.

I also feel guilty about wanting the end to come sooner than it did. I talked with him about dying and he was okay with it. That started me on my way to praying for God to be merciful and take him home. I was really irritated when I would wake up in the morning and still hear him gasping for breath. He, of course, never complained. I think I did enough of that for both of us.

I am still relieved that he is not struggling anymore. I miss him, but don’t miss his suffering. I know he couldn’t have gotten well and I didn’t want him to see him not being able to do the things he wanted to do. I did my best to keep his roses and bushes trimmed, but it wasn’t like he would have done, and we both knew it. I am relieved that he doesn’t have to watch the mess I made of his wonderful plants.

Are my feelings normal?

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your father. Loosing a parent is never easy. Being a caretaker is a loving act, but also can leave people with the feelings you describe.

I often tell my clients about the H.A.L.T. metaphor. H is for hungry, A is for angry, L is for lonely and T is for tired. Anytime your life is consumed by one of those words, or is out of balance you will find that your emotions may not be as in control as you would like them to be. Watching your father’s death process might left you hungry for the man he used to be, angry that you couldn’t control his illness, lonely for the way things used to be and tired of watching him struggle and physically tired from your care giving responsibilities.

Please realize that you are grieving and that alone will take your strength and balance from your life. Take good care of yourself and find health through the love and support of others.

Q. My daughter died recently. She had pneumonia and was put on life support. She needed to have surgery and she died during the surgery. I have a 2 year-old son who is grieving, as well as her father and myself. I am looking for a grief counselor who will work with me over the phone or via the internet. I am pregnant with twins and my husband lives in North Carolina. Please help me!

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your daughter. Losing a child is so difficult and I admire you for wanting to help your son and recognizing that he is grieving too.