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Weekly Articles

Through this website, Jane's private practice, presentations and teaching, she is asked many questions and receives many wonderful suggestions from those who are grieving. With permission from each griever, Jane answers these questions and shares these suggestions through her weekly articles which have been published in the Record Courier in Portage County, Ohio for the past nine years.
The articles, found below, were first published there, but as they are owned by Jane, she presents them here for your enjoyment and knowledge. If you would like to submit a question or share something that has been helpful to you in your grief process, please send it to Jane at jbissler@counselingforwellness.com. You must put "CFLLC" in the subject line or your email will not be opened!

 

 


Q. I lost my darling, my life and my world on July 29th of this year. We were married almost 56 years and my grief is, at times, unbearable.

My question is regarding a find of mine who, while trying to be supportive, compares my grief with her divorce from her husband of 35 years. In fact, she insists that her grief is far worse than mine. How can a divorce from an alcoholic, abusive and cheating husband be worse that the death of the most wonderful man ever? She still gets to see and talk with him. She makes dinner for him, he helps her with her home and she takes care of him when he is sick. As long as they are both alive there is a chance they could work things out and be together again.

I have given up trying to show this friend how different our losses are. Her comments make my blood run cold and it is a shame because otherwise she is a good friend and I don’t want to exclude her from my life.

Please tell me if I am wrong and I promise to do my best to put my own feelings aside. However, if she is wrong, please give me the words to explain it to her in a way she will understand.

A. I am so sorry to learn of the death of your sweet husband. He sounds like a very good man and I can’t imagine how you must miss him!

The two losses you describe are very different. To many, divorce feels like a personal failure. Even though the person they have decided to end the relationship with is ill (alcoholic), difficult (abusive) and dishonest (cheating), the wife (in this case) may feel as if she didn’t do enough, say the right things, or behave in the right way to make this man get well, become respectful and gain honesty.

We often say that those who live with alcoholics are sometimes co-dependent which means that they loose their own lives and dwell only in the life of the alcoholic. Therefore when the relationship ends, the non-alcoholic spouse has a difficult time seeing herself outside the relationship and seeing anyone else’s pain as greater than her own.

Unfortunately, you won’t win this battle with her. It would be helpful for you to stay away from this issue in a comparative way and both of you to acknowledge that the loss of your spouses is the worst pain you have ever experienced. She can’t possible know the pain you are experiencing and frankly you haven’t walked in her shoes either. Know that most of the world believes that the grief resulting from a death of a spouse trumps a divorce, but does it really need to be settled in this relationship?

Q. I have had the horrible experience of watching two of my closest friends grieve the death of their children. I have learned a lot and am better prepared to help others now, although I have prayed that I will never have to!

My question is about counseling. Both of my friends attended counseling. However, they did it quite differently, with different people and at different times in their journey. One of my friends, Julie, went to counseling RIGHT after her son was killed. She says she doesn’t know what she would have done without counseling, as it was the road map that she could count on and trust.

Susan waited about 6 months after her daughter died to begin counseling. She said she waited because it was all she could do to function at her job and with her family. She also said that she was afraid counseling would push her to get over her daughter and she wasn’t ready to do that. Of course, she found that wasn’t true.

When they attended doesn’t seem to have made much difference now seven years after the death of their children. Both of my friends are functioning well and seem to be able to find some joy in life. I’m glad of this but am wondering when grieving people should begin counseling?

A. Thank you so much for writing and telling us about your friends. I wish the answer to your question was as clear as your stories.

Let me start by saying that counseling is very hard work. I have so much respect for those who walk into the door of our offices. Grief counseling consists of being challenged to make sense out of non-sense, learning to live in a totally new way, developing new or leaning into helpful faith beliefs and finding support in different places and through different means.

Some clients come shortly after the death has occurred. These clients are supported. Their grief is normalized, if possible, and helpful suggestions are made to create a path through one of life’s most difficult challenges. At this point, helping them function in all the areas of their life is the most important task.

When someone comes a six, twelve or more months after the death has occurred, his or her issues are different. They have been experiencing the world as a new person and have beliefs and judgments that may be causing them some anxiety. Many times they describe themselves as depressed and believe it is a permanent condition. This is rarely the case. It is what allows them to begin working through counseling. A good counselor will find out and meet their client wherever their head and heart is to help them gain a new existence.

Q. I have recently read both of your books and found them to be very helpful. I noticed that in the Grief Relief book you mention that you do a workshop based on the book. Can anyone attend that? Where would I be able to find more information about it? Are all losses covered or only the loss of a child?

A. Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so happy that the books have been helpful for you!

Yes, anyone can attend this workshop. All different types of losses due to the death of a loved one are covered in this workshop. We have presented it all over the United States during the past two years and it has been very well received. I’m so please that we will be presenting this workshop at Counseling for Wellness, in Kent on February 7 and 8th. The workshop runs from 9 – 5 on both days. It’s important to attend both days as you will break the continuity of the group and miss important and valuable information if you can’t attend both days. You can go online at www.spiritualityworkshops.com to register and find more information. If you don’t like to register online, you can call one of my partners, Sara Ruble at 330-689-1089 and she can help you register by snail mail.

 In this workshop, based on the book, Surviving and Thriving: Grief Relief & Continuing Relationships, you will explore your feelings about the difficult issues of grief. Imagine knowing that your loved one can hear you and she or he can communicate with you. You will be given the opportunity to understand how these connections can be of great benefit to you, lessen your pain during the dark days of grief and continue a relationship with your loved one. Techniques creating
this communication and awareness of how your beliefs can make your life more bearable and purposeful will be taught, practiced and supported in this workshop. You will be assured that the bonds of love are never broken.       Coping with the death of a loved one requires relief, hope, support and courage all of which you will find in this powerful seminar. We invite you to discover these and many more aspects of grief relief as we share your significant and life changing time together. You deserve to gain the grief relief that we offer.
If you have any questions, please feel free to contact Sara at the above number or me at Counseling for Wellness, 330-677-2000. We hope to see you at this powerful workshop!

Q. I read with interest your column on January 16th where you talk about the hard work of counseling when someone has lost a loved one. Thank you for sharing this information with the public. I had many questions asked of me after my young husband died of why I continued to go to counseling, regularly, for more than two years. Everyone thought I should be over it by the time the first year anniversary date came. I certainly wasn’t “over it”, nor will I ever be and friends thinking I should “celebrate the anniversary by starting to date again” appalled me. Can you imagine?????

I am writing today to ask you to talk about how friends and families can be supportive of someone who has lost the love of her life.

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your husband and how hurtful some of your supporters were. Please try to understand that they really do not mean to be cruel, but want the best for you and believe they know what that is. I hope this remainder of this column will help others to gain a new perspective on how to support a griever.

First and foremost, it is not the supporters’ responsibility to solve the griever’s problems. This is an irritant because it tells the griever that the solution is simple, there is no need for them to have the feelings they do, and the supporter does not want to hear the “complaints, issues and problems”.

Second, if the supporter cannot identify with the same kind of the experience the griever has had or is having, please state that. Stating you don’t know how the griever feels and then listening to their feelings will go miles to letting the griever know you are a willing listener and that you love them enough to be honest. Frankly, I have never worked with two people who have grieved in exactly the same way. I would never tell someone who had experienced the death of their father that I know how they feel just because my Dad died too. Everyone is different and everyone’s relationship with his or her Dad is different.

Lastly, if you, as the supporter, have experienced significant grief in your life, you can share your story appropriately and share what worked for you. However, please refrain from stating that what worked for you will work for the griever. Help the griever know that grief is individual and you will be there to walk the path with the griever, wherever it may lead.

Please remember to keep offering a listening ear, a chance to go out to lunch or dinner, or just spend time in nature with the griever. They often feel left out and forgotten due to their lack of energy to make the call.

Q. I have always been afraid of death. My mother told me when I was a little girl, I would totally freak out if I saw a dead bird or squirrel and when my dog died. I didn’t have the “normal” curiosity of a child of wanting to touch the bird or ask questions about what happens when there is a death. I just became hysterical and would be so frightened I couldn’t eat or sleep. No one seemed to have any idea of why I had that kind of reaction. It was bizarre then and it remains that way today.

Last week a good friend of mine experienced the death of their mother. I really wanted to be there for her and was to the best of my ability. I made some food and took it over, I called her periodically to see how she was, and ran some errands for her. She invited me to come back to her home after the funeral for a luncheon but I told her I would come over early that morning and set everything up and help serve. She was stunned that I wouldn’t be coming to the funeral. I explained that I just couldn’t come to the calling hours or the funeral. She looked at me as if I had three heads.

I explained to her my incredible fear of death. I told her I didn’t go to my own father’s services and I wouldn’t be going to my mother’s when she died. I tried to tell her that I just can’t deal with death but she became very angry and told me to, “grow up and deal with it like an adult”!

I am so hurt and know I have now lost a very close friend because of this fear. Some say it is irrational, but to me it is the most frightening aspect of life! Can you help me with this?

A. I am so sorry to hear that this fear and anxiety are causing you problems. I’m also sorry that your friend responded in this way. I’m sure she is grieving and therefore may not be as tolerant as she normally may be. However, when a fear creates this much pain and anxiety, it’s time to get some help to resolve it.

I do not believe that every concern, fear and anxiety comes from our childhood. Many of us had wonderful childhoods and the fears we have were gained through no fault of anyone. It really doesn’t matter where the fear was generated or even if someone else caused it. The point is, that as adults we have a responsibility to manage our lives in a way that supports our professional, social and family lives. If something in your life if preventing this, it’s time to get some help.

As counselors we have many techniques to untangle fears and anxieties without a long process of finding out where they came from. Do yourself a wonderful favor and call your favorite counselor to help you live the life you deserve.

Q. This is the fourth time we have gone through the holidays since our son died. I’m embarrassed and ashamed to say that I actually enjoyed some of the activities. I felt myself smiling more, talking more and even laughing out loud. It was an odd sensation and it felt good!

I have to say that I am ridden with guilt now. How could I have “enjoyed” the holiday season when my son is dead and buried in the ground? I know he wouldn’t want us to be miserable, but we are and that’s the way I thought it would continue to be for the rest of my life. I guess I was wrong.

I am now asking myself why I feel the need to hang on to the horrible feelings of pain and anguish. Do I believe that this pain is the only way I can honor him? If so, how sick is that?

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your son. Four years seems like a long time, but when the death of a child is the time marker, four years is a short period.

I am glad to know that you enjoyed some of your holiday preparations and celebrations this year. I am glad they happened spontaneously and that you allowed yourself to feel what you were feeling.

Your guilty feelings are common and I can only imagine how painful they must be for you to experience! I don’t think you are sick for wondering about holding onto the pain and anguish. It becomes the only thing that feels normal. I’m glad you are questioning your feelings because that shows that perhaps you are ready to move away from them.

I’m sure you know in your brain that having pain is not honoring your son. I’m sure this is confusing because your heart might be saying the opposite and this sets up conflict within you. This is one of those times in grief when you need to set your course. See if it feels right to say, “It makes me happy to know he wants me to be happy”. If this fits for you now or eventually, then lead into this way of thinking. When you bring guilt forward, extinguish it by repeating the sentence in quotes above. It will need to be a conscious way of living but you can do it and it will propel you into the future along with your son. He will always be in your heart and having pain or not having pain will not change that.

Q. My sweet husband has been gone now for more than three years. I am looking forward to spring, but this time of the year somehow makes me miss him more. We did everything together. This was especially true when we worked outside. We would go through all the seed catalogs and order what we wanted for our garden. We would decide about putting a new bed in, changing a walkway or put our calendars together to have the neighborhood spring kick off party.

I know I was VERY lucky to have thirty years with him when others don’t even get half that time with a loving spouse. What can I do to look forward to spring as I used to? How can I do the same things without him? It seems impossible to me.

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your husband. It sounds as if your relationship was magical and I’m so happy that you were able to spend so many wonderful years together. I’m sure, even knowing that those years would end in his loss, you wouldn’t trade this experience for the world!

It’s important to look back on these great and happy experiences. They create your past, but not your present. This is a difficult and painful process for so many people who are living without their spouse. Dwelling in what used to be and the experiences of the past as well as thinking about ways to mimic those experiences with today, well this is a recipe for disaster. We, as grief specialists, know that those who work to return to their life before loss will create illness, more sadness, and at times a significant depression.

The above paragraph gave you the recipe for disaster, so let’s talk about the recipe for successful grieving! First, think about the things that you enjoyed doing outside in your yard. What if your husband was busy or was not working with you on a particular day. What did you do that felt good and that made you proud? Create this list of tasks and do these first.

Second, talk with him about your plans. Know that he hears you and listen for his opinion. You know what he would say! However, I believe that you will hear his opinion even if it’s a bit different from what he would have said while he was here.

Third, know in your heart that your husband knows what you are doing and is looking at what you have accomplished. There is NO doubt in my mind that he does see these gardening miracles and is proud of you.

Q. My son died six months ago. He was hit and killed by a drunk driver. His car exploded and we never got to see him again. Luckily, we had a wonderful relationship so my last vision of him was having dinner together before he went to be with one of his friends and finish a school project.

I have recently decided I need to have some counseling. I am managing my day-to-day life, but it seems like life should be getting a little easier and it really seems to be getting worse. I have read your column on your website,
www.counselingforloss.com and I know that you say this often happens. All my family and friends have, of course, returned to work and to their own lives. My surviving children have picked up their lives too and seem almost normal some days. My husband has returned to his job and has accepted more and more responsibility. I think he is running from the pain, but he said being busy is his coping mechanism.

I seem to be the one who is struggling right now. My sleep patterns are weird, sometimes I laugh so hard I cry and sometimes I cry so hard I laugh. My thinking is so fuzzy that I’m afraid I will be fired. I used to be able to lean into my faith, but now I’m just not sure what I believe. My body aches and I feel half sick all the time.

I know you suggest seeing a grief specialist so I looked and found someone in my community who is certified in this area. However, when I talked with her on the phone she told me she takes a holistic approach to counseling. Can you explain that term to me? I want to make sure I am with the right person.

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your son. He sounds like a wonderful boy and I can’t imagine how much you miss him.

I’m so glad you have decided to see a grief specialist. Not doing so is like seeing a podiatrist for a heart attack! The term holistic just means that she will work with you in all the areas of your life that are being disrupted by grief. She would categorize the ways you describe your grief as emotional, cognitive, spiritual and physical. This is a good sign and shows that she understands that grief is pervasive and affects all areas of the body, mind and soul. With this approach, she will be able to give you coping mechanisms for all these grief responses.

Good luck and please stay in touch to let me know how you are doing.

Q. My husband died last summer. I haven’t moved the furniture, changed his bed or picked up his shoes from the doorway since he died. I guess I have been hoping that he will come back someday and I wanted him to find everything just as he left it. However, spring is just around the corner and it’s time for me to face reality. Do you have any suggestions for how to do this task?

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your husband. It sounds as if he died suddenly and that makes the loss so much harder on the survivors.

Removing his physical presence from your home is a difficult, but necessary task. I had an aunt who told me that she didn’t want the extra closet space, but certainly wanted someone to be able to use his nice clothes. That is a great attitude and at this economic time, someone less fortunate can certainly use your husband’s nice things.

My suggestion is to make several piles of clothing and shoes. The first pile will be the one you know you can give away or, if things are worn or stained, thrown away. The second pile will be for things that you aren’t sure you can part with at this time. The final pile will be those items that you know you want to keep. Discard the first pile through a shelter, community clothing agency, or the trash. Store the second pile in airtight bins and revisit these containers in the fall or even next spring. The third pile can then be use in different ways.

Some people give some of the clothing to a creative person to make a quilt or wall hanging out of it. It’s a lovely way to display the shirts, ties or hats that your husband was especially found of. Being able to wrap yourself in a quilt made of his things is wonderful and comforting.

Some people will leave the special clothes hanging in their closet. Seeing his clothes mixed in with yours helps to remind you that your life together was intertwined and your memories always will be. Sometimes the clothes will hang on to the scent of the person and this can be wonderful to when you open the closet door and catch the smell of him.

Others will give some of these special clothes to family members or close friends. Sometimes seeing someone else who you love wear your husband’s things brings comfort to you and to them.

Whatever you decide to do, it will be the right decision. There is no hurry in doing this work. Some people do it in a few weeks and others do it in a few years. Be gentle with yourself as you progress through grief.

Q. I have sort of an odd grief question. My dad was a World War II Veteran. He was VERY proud of this fact, wore his naval ball cap proudly and was always very touched on Memorial Day. He attended several reunions with his shipmates and was always very quiet when he returned from there. My mom would go with him and said what a wonderful time they always had. She also noticed his quiet mood when they would return from these trips. Dad didn’t do email so other than getting together with these people every ten years or so, he didn’t really have any contact with his “buddies”.

It seems to me that this process was some kind of grief. He seemed so sad but never wanted to talk about it. Mom said he would have really bad nightmares when he returned too, but said he didn’t remember having a dream when she would ask him in the morning. Could he have been working through something awful and not want to talk about it with her?

I remember begging him to tell me about his experiences in the Pacific but he always changed the subject so I don’t really know what happened there. Is this common practice for Veterans?

A. It sounds as if your father has died, and if that is true please know that you have my deepest sympathy. My dad was a WWII vet as well so I do understand what you are saying.

We have done a terrible disservice in this country with our grief responses. We use the terms “breaking down, feeling bad, terrible crying, she was just a mess, he couldn’t handle it, they were just sick about it, etc” when we talk about people who are grieving. This gives the message that feeling our emotions is wrong, and grief is negative. Of course, nothing could be farther from the truth.

Our returning veterans from all wars and conflicts have not been taught how to grieve. They have been told to keep a stiff upper lip and move on. Especially those survivors from World War II were told not to talk about what happened “over there”, not to show emotion, and to “shoulder these burdens” to protect their loved ones. They watched what happened to those military men and women who returned from Vietnam and now the Middle East who have talked about it. Our country has not been kind to those gallant and brave soldiers.

So, yes, your father was certainly grieving for those men and women lost. He was processing the only way he knew how, silently and stoically. Let’s help the next generation know this type of grieving is not necessary and show them the support they deserve!

Q. I lost my little girl five months ago and I am having a hard time dealing with this situation.  I want to get my life on track again but I am finding this hard to do.  I was only five months pregnant. Can you please help me? 

A. I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your daughter. This loss is so difficult for many reasons and unfortunately not sanctioned or grieved for by a large segment of our society. It’s what we refer to as a disenfranchised type of grief.

When a child dies, it’s difficult to understand our future. Many of us feel like we get to know our children even before they are born. We take care of ourselves because we understand their nourishment and health comes us. We might talk and sing to the baby, and make plans for her arrival. To us, this is already our child and we love her.

Some people know their child has died in utero. They, of course, are devastated by this and then have to go through the birth process to deliver this child. Others are surprised by the onset of their labor and remain hopeful that the baby, though small, will somehow survive and will be able to be held and loved outside of their mother. When this doesn’t happen, it is a crushing blow.

Please know that after only five months your grief will remain raw and will be taking a significant amount of your energy. The grief process is similar no matter how long you knew your child. This is the time you need to touch your sorrow and feel your feelings. It’s not a time to be strong or accomplished or composed. It’s a time for you to create a new normal; one without this precious child who you thought would be living with you.

Realize that she is with you, but in a different way than you ever thought she would. See her in the gift of a spring rain, the vision of a rainbow, or the fluttering of a butterfly. Smell her in the scent of a flower or the sweet fragrance of new grass. Feel her in the warmth of the sunshine or the soft breeze blowing against your cheek. She is everywhere and you will never truly be alone.

“Joy is not about music and dance and laughter, but about the acceptance of Life. Healing happens only where fear and love, joy and sorrow, tears and smiles, can forge a lasting peace. The healing I speak of lies not in some safe place along the way, but in having made the journey stage by stage. Until you reach that place, a place you may not now believe exists, I will save your space and watch with confidence for your smiles yet to be.” (Mary I. Farr).

Q. I am really struggling with a situation. My son died three years ago. As you would say, I’ve found some stability in my grief. I have, of course, returned to work, my surviving children are doing well, my husband seems quieter, but is beginning to do some of the things he enjoyed doing before Jason died. We, as a family, are getting through the holidays somewhat better. We’ve worked to make them different and that has helped. However, the snag I’m dealing with now is finding the answer I’m comfortable with about how many children we have.

My husband has recently been appointed to several national company oversight boards. I have recently gotten some new responsibilities in a new department. For some reason, we are both meeting new, mostly business, acquaintances right now, and of course they don’t know our story of loss. One of the most popular questions seems to be when we are meeting people for the first time is, “so tell me, how many children do you have?” This strikes fear and horror in our hearts. How should we answer without making the asker feel badly?

A. I am so sorry to learn of Jason’s death. I can tell by your letter how hard you and your family have worked to find some stability and have found ways to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The question you raise is a good one. So many families struggle with this. Sometimes family members tell me they deny the existence of the deceased child. They believe that this response makes it easier for the questioner, and I believe they are right. However, the guilt that these families endure regarding this denial is devastating! They feel it shows they did not love their child and that no one will know about him or her.

It seems the best response for all concerned is to acknowledge the life and the death of this child in the same breath as you mention the surviving children. For example, you might say, “We have three children, Jeff who is 12 and a great football player, Jason who died when he was 17 in a car accident, and Beth who will be 16 next year and is so eager to drive!” Placing the deceased child in the middle of the surviving children will allow the asker to feel safe in continuing the conversation with you. He or she will also have the freedom to ask about the surviving children and/or hopefully give you their empathetic words regarding your Jason. If you only have two children, it’s good to mention the deceased child first so that the mentioning his death will not stop the conversation and cause the awkward feelings you wish to avoid.

Q. Our fifteen year old son, Matt, committed suicide last year. We have just attended our first Survivors of Suicide meeting and we were shocked to find out that the suicide rate for adolescent males is on the rise. Why is this happening? What can we do about it?

A. I am so sorry to learn of Matt’s death. It is such a shame that he felt he just couldn’t go on with his life. I can’t imagine the heartache you must be experiencing.

Your statistics are, unfortunately, accurate. Between 1952 and 1995, suicide in young adults nearly tripled. One person dies by suicide every 16.2 minutes. Almost 17% of high school students report they have seriously considered attempting suicide and 8.5% of high school students have attempted suicide one or more times!

Asking about what we can all do is so gracious of you. People who are grieving usually have a bit too much on their plate to be working hard for others. However, let me give you, and others, some things to watch out for. These are well known warning signs. For instance if you know a young person who exhibits one of these signs, it’s best to get them to someone who can make an assessment of what they might be thinking or planning.

A suddenly deteriorating academic performance

Self-mutilation

A fixation with death or violence

Unhealthy peer relationships

Volatile mood swings or a sudden change in personality

Indications that the student is in an unhealthy, destructive, or abusive relationship

Risk-taking behaviors

Signs of an eating disorder

Difficulty in adjusting to gender identity

Bullying or being bullied

Depressed

The following list are warning signs that need to be follow up on immediately by a professional.

Talking or writing about suicide or death

Isolation from family and friends

Expressing the belief that life is meaningless

Giving away prized possessions

An improved mood after being depressed

Poor hygiene and appearance

Dropping out of school or social, athletic or community activities.

Obtaining a weapon.

Q. I wish I could say I enjoyed your article last week. However, all this talk about suicide scared me to death. I have three adolescent children and they all exhibit one or more of those warning signs that you posted. How are we supposed to know when they need to be assessed by a professional?

A. I’m sorry you were frightened by the information in last week’s article. My belief structure is that knowledge is power. In the case of suicide, hiding from warning signs just makes suicide more likely and it is ALWAYS devastating!

You bring up an excellent point – how do we know the difference between normal adolescent behavior and abnormal behavior. Simply stated we are looking at the intensity of behavior. For instance one of the warning signs is self-mutilation. Kids will sometimes get a tattoo or piercing that parents don’t know about. This is not abnormal behavior. A warning sign for suicide relating to self-mutilation includes intentionally hurting themselves. Sometimes parents will see eraser burns, cut marks or deep scratches on an adolescent’s arms, neck or legs. If you ask about these things or find your adolescent being more vigilant about keeping these areas covered, it is cause for concern.

Another area is unhealthy peer relationship. If you find, for example, your daughter is in a relationship with someone who is controlling her every move, uses abusive language toward her or is physically abusive to her, this is cause for concern and intervention by you.

The warning signs I gave you last week that are cause for immediate action included verbal cues about suicide or death. If you hear your adolescent talking to his/her peers about dying or suicide, or if they talk with you about just not wanting to live, how hard life is or it’s not worth it any more you will need to take action immediately. This is usually not pleasant as an adolescent feels their life is no one else’s business and they aren’t going to talk with anyone. By taking them to someone who can ascertain their depression or suicidal thoughts, you may be saving their life. Isn’t it worth them being angry with you?

Bullying is another serious warning sign. If your child is being bullied, please contact his or her school counselor and ask for this to be intervened with. Most school counselors have expertise in this area and will be able to get all parties together to remedy this situation.

Q. I know you have spent the last two weeks talking about suicide warning signs for adolescents. But, my son is only 10 years old. Do I need to worry about suicide in someone who is so young?

A. Thanks for writing in with this extremely important question. Did you know that suicide is the sixth leading cause of death for those 5 to 14 years of age? Also, did you know that the rate of suicide for those aged 10 – 14 has increased by 8% from 2003 to 2004? Girls who are aged 10 – 14 were almost twice as likely as boys to have thoughts about or have tried to commit suicide. The suicide rate for children in the United States is two times higher than that in all other countries combined. To me these are scary statistics but if we understand what is happening we might be able to intervene and reduce these numbers.

Here are some suicide statistics for elementary and middle school students.

The vast majority of young people who commit suicide have psychiatric disorders.

17% of those 10 – 14 said they had seriously considered suicide

13% said they had created a plan to commit suicide

8% said they had tried to take their own life.

Two weeks ago I gave you some warning signs for

Adolescents. Here are some for this age group.

Depression

Discussion of suicidal thoughts

Alcohol or drug abuse

Frequently running away

Avoiding family and friends

Bullying behavior or being bullied

We used to think that children would not even consider completing suicide. We now know, unfortunately, this is not the fact and with increasing frequency it is happening.

It is so important that this type of death be talked about. Keeping it a secret creates a romantic mystery around it and may make it more prevalent. We need to reassure our children that even if they have these thoughts we are there to nurture and help them through them. Let them know they can share with you any thoughts they may have.

Please don’t hesitate to contact a professional school or community counselor with your concerns. We are all trying desperately to help these children and together we can make a difference.

 

Q. My sister died several years ago and one of her children read a poem called, She is Gone. I can’t find the words or origin of that poem anywhere. Could you help me?

A. I am so sorry to hear about your sister’s death. Words can be so soothing during such an emotional time.

I was able to find the poem to which you may be referring. It was actually read at the Queen Mother’s funeral in London, England and is really beautiful. The poem was written by David Harkins in 1981.

She is Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone

Or you can smile because she has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her

Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember her and only that she is gone

Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Q. My father died six weeks ago. He was my only surviving parent and I miss him very much. Since his death, I have felt more alone than I have ever experienced. I have siblings, a wonderful husband and three great children. However, there is something odd about not having parents anymore.

During the calling hours, someone told me that losing a parent is the point in life where it is finally necessary to become a grownup. I am beginning to understand this concept. I can clearly see my past and present, but the future looks stark, cold and daunting. What are your thoughts on this stage of life?

A. I am so sorry to learn of your father’s death. I do understand what you are saying as my mother, my last surviving parent, died just last month.

This is the time in my life where ritual becomes even more important to me. I am creating a life as the oldest generation in my family of origin. It is a time for my husband and I to be the matriarch and patriarch of our own family. It is also a time to lean into our extended family and connect with our older aunts and uncles. They continue to provide the vision of the past that helps to steer our future.

We become the hub of our family for our children and our grand children. They will watch as we walk the same path as our parents have done and eventually they will become the oldest generation. It can be comforting to proceed in this life knowing that we are now setting the model for the next generation. It can be a new beginning as we take all the good from our parents and their generation and sprinkle it with our personalities, established patterns of behaviors and new rituals that we wish to create.

However, the loneliness that you feel is also powerful. These feelings are not to be ignored but need to be processed and eventually understood. They create as much impact as bringing home your first child; feeling the awesome wonder and responsibility of being a parent for the first time. They are as long lasting as life itself and will morph and change as we have as spouses, parents, and even grandparents. Don’t push the feelings away, but realize this is a time of tremendous growth and change. The meaning that is created will serve you well as you take your role as the oldest generation of your family. 

Q. My sister passed away in 1984 She had two children ages 6 & 4. My husband and I had her children every weekend, vacation, and during their after school activities until he was murdered in 1991. Our daughter, Jacklyn, was 5 months old when my husband died and is currently 18 years old.

Jacklyn has always been an angry child. Throughout her life I have exposed her to massage therapy, yoga, dance, meditation, and counseling. However, nothing seems to have helped. Jacklyn says she is angry because everyone, including my deceased sister's children, knew her dad but her. I continue to have pictures of him with her in our home, so he is a daily presence. 

I explained to Jacklyn that I understand her anger but she has to release it positively. I tried to explain that she will have empty feelings at times but she just needs to get calm, meditate and feel the warmth in her heart. Jacklyn says she tries to do this but it never works. Do you have any answers for how I can help my daughter?

A. I'm so sorry to hear about all the losses during your lifetime. You and Jacklyn indeed have much to be sorrowful about. I can really appreciate your wanting her to release her anger in a positive way. As adults we understand the need for this practice and how it can positively affect our life in the future. However, at 18 years of age, she probably does not have the willingness or ability to do this. 

     Some children, and most adolescents, have an easier time expressing anger than they have expressing other emotions. It just seems to make more sense to them and fit better into their normal thinking patterns. While it is not easy for parents to deal with these strong emotions, the child usually feels they have little, if any, choice in expressing themselves. Sometimes these children are labeled with oppositional defiant disorder when really they just don't know what else to do.

     I am glad you have worked hard in finding ways for Jacklyn to express herself. I wouldn't say nothing has worked, as these are skills she will take with her throughout her life and hopefully will be able to use with other problems that crop up. You are a good mom to continue searching for ways to help her. 

     Although I don't know your daughter, it seems to me that working with her to know her father in a way only HIS DAUGHTER could know him is the way to help her. If I were working with her, I would have her write to him letting him know his Jacklyn. I would then have other family members who knew him well; respond to her writings (if she was okay with this) from her father’s perspective, saying what he would have said. My belief structure is that he does know his daughter and that Jacklyn can know her father. This, of course, does not take the place of a physical relationship with her father, but it may help her live a full and productive life.

Q. My son, Mitch, was murdered in Washington State four years ago. He was abducted from his car and found three weeks later on the side of a desolate road leading to a mountain peak. Unfortunately, the road was closed due to a mudslide so he was not found sooner. Even though the animals had their way with him, it was obvious he died a very violent death.

My nephew completed suicide a year ago. He and Mitch were very close and my sister believes that Jason died because of Mitch’s death. I don’t have the answer to this, but since Jason didn’t leave a note my feeling is that we will never know the answer to this mystery.

My sister and I have been very close since we were children. She helped me as much as she could when Mitch was murdered. However, she doesn’t feel like I can help her with her grief over Jason’s suicide. She says that the circumstances were so different that the only people who understand her grief are those whose children have also completed suicide. Is this true?

A. I am so sorry to hear about the tragedies in your family. Losing a son is horrible and then losing a nephew is almost insurmountable! You have my deepest empathy.

Who and in what ways can help your sister is really up to her. I understand what she is saying, but research leads us to a different understanding. Drs. John Jordan and Edward Rynearson have both done extensive research in the field of violent death. Jordan’s research has mostly been with the grief of survivors of suicide and Rynearson’s research has mostly been with the grief of survivors of homicide. The information collaboratively presented at the 2009 ADEC conference was that the grief is really quite similar. When loved ones are not with the person who is dying it creates a trauma reaction. When the death is a violent act, which most murders and most suicides are, it creates another trauma reaction.

We are beginning to understand that complicated grief reactions are neurologically based, that is they create a change in brain chemistry, which then creates common reactions in different people. I know much of this might sound like psycho-mumbo jumbo, but the point is that you and your sister have probably experienced common reactions to your individual grief and therefore might be very helpful to one another.

I hope she moves toward you in her grief and allows your experience to prepare her for what may be coming down the road during her grief process.

Q. My very good friend is having a really hard time dealing with her mom’s terminal illness. My friend is a single child from a single parent home. Her mother lives far away and wants my friend to move back home.

My friend’s mother is depressed and suffering from emotional breakdowns at the thought of her situation and has very little emotional support. Her mother wants her home for emotional support but my friend 1) doesn’t know how to provide the support for a parent who could die at any moment 2) needs emotional support herself 3) has a job and a living situation that she loves and will loose if she leaves to go back home. She is in a major career building opportunity that is her major source of stability and doesn’t want to give it up. 

Do you know of any support groups/networks that can help either of them?

A. You several very good questions. I am happy that you are looking for information to provide to your friend. Hopefully you will be able to support her in whatever decision she decides to make for herself.

I certainly understand that your friend doesn’t know how to support a parent who is dying. Most of us don’t have those skills AND many of us don’t have much time to acquire such skills before they are needed. I would suggest reading Ira Byock, M.D.’s book entitled Dying Well: Peace and Possibilities at the End of Life. It is a wonderful book and the one that is a must read for anyone who is supporting a dying loved one.

Most people who are dying need emotional support. I haven’t been in those shoes myself, but have walked this path with several who are. It is an odd place to be! Most people are not ready to die and really don’t know how to act and what to say. Some people are afraid of death and the reality of the unknown creates more anxiety. For some this anxiety creates shame. Many religions teach us of the wonders of heaven and that, through dying, we will be in the presence of God. This, of course, is based on faith and when faith waivers, guilt sometimes sets in.

Family Medical Leave Act is a wonderful Federal program. It allows people in your friend’s situation to leave a job, temporarily, to attend to family business WITHOUT loosing their job. Please have her check into this with her employer.

Hospice provides the kind of support your friend and her mother need. The social workers, nurses and aides will provide the medical and emotional help to your friend and to her mother. Have her friend call her doctor today to have these incredible services by incredible professionals started.

Q. I have lost two children, my only daughter from a tragic single car accident in 1988 and my one-month-old baby son from late onset spinal meningitis, caused by strep b bacteria. Now, I’ve lost my dad in 2007 from gallbladder cancer and my sister to colon cancer. The latest has been my dear, 82 year old mom whom was also my best friend. My mom had lung cancer was taken care of by hospice. I did my best to take care of her. However, I am afraid she was frightened when she died.

My mom made all kinds of sounds when she was dying. I asked hospice to tell me if she was scared. They said they couldn’t answer me. Why couldn’t they tell me? I thought this was what they were supposed to be able to tell me.

She was aware that her body was shutting down. Her final evening, when the hospice nurse came, she asked if she liked music. I told them she did and turned the radio on softly next to her bed. That’s when she began making the sounds of not being able to grasp life.

I guess I’m trying to find out something to make myself feel better. I was there for three years taking care of her and did all I could to make sure she was safe and peaceful. However, it didn’t end so and that’s why I’m concerned. Please help.

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your Mom. I am, however VERY thankful that you were there for her and able to provide help, support and meaning to her final years. It is a privilege to make this walk with someone but also a great deal of work, worry and concern.

I have found hospice to be my lifesaver and a wealth of advice, expertise, professionalism and care. We were fortunate to be under their care for both of my parents’ final days and ultimate deaths. However, I do understand that hospice caregivers want to make sure they are giving you their knowledge and support without guessing or telling you what you want to hear. If they weren’t sure about your mother’s emotions during her final minutes, they wouldn’t make assumptions.

The dying process is unique, as is the grief process, for everyone who experiences it. Some people don’t seem to be in their bodies during their final minutes and others seem to have their essence until their final breaths. It also seems that the distinctive sounds, which can be unsettling for us, are part of the process and have little emotional energy attached to their soul being at peace while it leaves the body.

Perhaps attending the hospice bereavement groups in your area would allow you to speak with others who have similar experiences. I believe in the group support model and feel you would find it helpful too.

Q. My father died by suicide two year ago. I am in a new school now and I’m afraid to tell people what happened. I have been lying about it and telling people that my parents are divorced, but that isn’t working for me anymore. What should I be telling my friends about why my Dad is never around and why I don’t go and visit with him?

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your father. It is too bad that suicide is such a terrible stigma that you felt you had to lie about his death. I understand your reasoning but it does make a problem for you now.

I wonder if you have a good friend at your new school, one who you trust and you feel understands you. If so, please sit down with him or her and explain the circumstances of your dad’s death and why you chose to say that Mom and Dad were divorced. Talk about your fears of telling people how your Dad died and perhaps experiences you have had when you were honest with others. Let him or her know you are looking for support but you would appreciate being the one who brings up the subject. Let your friend know you will be telling other friends in time and ask for his or her support in doing this. Ask your friend to make sure that rumors are ended when they reach him or her.

If you don’t have a good friend at your new school yet you will probably want to avoid talking about your Dad’s death until you feel comfortable in your new surroundings and have some trust built up with new friends. Unfortunately, children can be cruel and if they don’t understand the situation their comments may come across as crude and unsupportive.

Have you told your mother how you have reported your Dad’s death to your classmates? She might be very helpful to you, as she has probably told her friends and co-workers what happened to your Dad. She might be able to share with you what worked for her and what caused her more pain. I hope you can trust her to help you with this.

Please know that your father’s death was NOT your fault. So many children, adolescents and adults with whom I work feel that their loved one’s suicide was somehow the fault of a family member. Suicide is the most selfish act of our time. It is a way for the deceased to relieve themselves of the pain they felt. It is not about external problems, but of the way the deceased handled the problems. It is not about the family structure but about the way the person interpreted the structure. It is not about the illness the person had, but of the way they saw the illness. Please assure yourself that you could not have caused it and could not have prevented it!

Q. My father died three months ago. Wow, what an experience that was. I thought I was ready for him to die as he was in pain and really miserable. He had congestive heart failure and it was difficult for him to be the man he had always been and the man he wanted to be with this condition. He died as peacefully as he could, but it wasn’t the “fall asleep and never wake up” kind of death that I think we all want!

I’m shocked about my feelings now. Again, I thought I was ready but have found that I am sadder than I thought I would be. I seem to cry about stupid stuff like seeing people mow their lawns. My Dad LOVED to mow his lawn, pick up sticks, weed the flowerbeds and trim the rose bushes. Now, when I see a little white haired man doing these things it brings tears to my eyes.

I also feel guilty about wanting the end to come sooner than it did. I talked with him about dying and he was okay with it. That started me on my way to praying for God to be merciful and take him home. I was really irritated when I would wake up in the morning and still hear him gasping for breath. He, of course, never complained. I think I did enough of that for both of us.

I am still relieved that he is not struggling anymore. I miss him, but don’t miss his suffering. I know he couldn’t have gotten well and I didn’t want him to see him not being able to do the things he wanted to do. I did my best to keep his roses and bushes trimmed, but it wasn’t like he would have done, and we both knew it. I am relieved that he doesn’t have to watch the mess I made of his wonderful plants.

Are my feelings normal?

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your father. Loosing a parent is never easy. Being a caretaker is a loving act, but also can leave people with the feelings you describe.

I often tell my clients about the H.A.L.T. metaphor. H is for hungry, A is for angry, L is for lonely and T is for tired. Anytime your life is consumed by one of those words, or is out of balance you will find that your emotions may not be as in control as you would like them to be. Watching your father’s death process might left you hungry for the man he used to be, angry that you couldn’t control his illness, lonely for the way things used to be and tired of watching him struggle and physically tired from your care giving responsibilities.

Please realize that you are grieving and that alone will take your strength and balance from your life. Take good care of yourself and find health through the love and support of others.

Q. My daughter died recently. She had pneumonia and was put on life support. She needed to have surgery and she died during the surgery. I have a 2 year-old son who is grieving, as well as her father and myself. I am looking for a grief counselor who will work with me over the phone or via the internet. I am pregnant with twins and my husband lives in North Carolina. Please help me!

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your daughter. Losing a child is so difficult and I admire you for wanting to help your son and recognizing that he is grieving too.

I am wondering if you have consulted a grief counselor in your area? Face to face counseling is ALWAYS better than that which is done over the phone and MUCH better than anything that can be done over the internet. I would suggest that you go to
www.adec.org. On the left side you will see a tab for "find a thanatologist". Click on that and then read the statement. If you agree, click on "I accept" and it will move you to the next page. Then check Counselor/Clinician box, then the clinic and private practice boxes, then the Counseling box in the following categories. Next, fill out the information needed at the bottom of the screen and click on Search. You will then see a listing of grief specialists in your area.

   I would suggest calling your insurance provider and compare their list to see if any of the folks you found from the ADEC website match it. Please know, however, that insurance companies DO NOT see grief and loss as a specialty. They will tell you "all counselors can work with you on this issue". This is NOT the case and I have many clients who have tried to work with general counselors and come to me in much worse shape than they were originally. It would be like seeing your primary care physician and asking him or her to remove your appendix. Of course, they would not do this because they don't have the training, nor would your insurance company ask this of you. Unfortunately, we have not trained the insurance companies well about what training is needed to help people through the process of complicated grief.

   If you are fortunate enough to have several specialists in your area, call and make consultation appointments with one or more. There needs to be chemistry between client and counselor. This is pretty easily determined. Just go in and tell him or her your story of loss. You will be able to know if you feel comfortable with that person. If you do, make another appointment. If not, go to the next person on your list and try again. This initial step is very valuable in your ultimate care and will guarantee help you will be able to use in the future.

Q. We lost our 19 year-old son last September. The authorities say that our son committed suicide, but there is some doubt about the truth of that. Not knowing makes it more difficult to work through our grief. We also have a 14-year-old son, who was very close to his brother. He just doesn’t seem to grieve much at all.  We think that he is ignoring the situation, denying what has happened and pretending that things are still as they were before.  We don't think this is healthy for him and we are worried about him, but we are at a loss as to how to help him deal with the death of his brother. How can we help him?

A. I am so sorry that your older son has died. The loss of a child is the most difficult loss and then not knowing what actually happened to him escalates the grief by miles. I hope you will be able to find some kind of peace regarding this aspect eventually.

So often parents who have adolescent children who are grieving the death of a family member contact me. Your story is VERY common in that the ways adolescents grieve is quite different than they way younger child and adults grieve. For example, a family who experienced the death of their adolescent son found that meeting with other families with children the same ages as their surviving children was helpful. They planned these gatherings and gained some pleasure and normalcy by sitting and talking about the lives of these other people.

Their second child, a young adolescent, found pleasure in shooting hoops, playing baseball and riding bikes with these other children. He did not want to talk about his brother, his brother’s death or anything to do with how his life had changed. I asked him if anyone ever mentioned his brother and said that rarely happened. I asked if he ever talked about his brother and he said only if it was a funny story. He moved along through his grief very well. However, please don’t assume he didn’t grieve for him. He just did it a different way than the grown-ups, he did it his way!

This child’s parents brought him in and made the same statement you have made in your letter; “We don’t think he’s doing it in a healthy way”. Unless you are seeing other kinds of things change in his functioning, like his grades, changes in whom he wants to “hang out” with, eating and sleeping patterns, etc. I suggest allowing him to grieve in the way that fits his needs. The one commonality that many adolescents share with me if that they are more aggressive and have less patience for normal annoyances. Those aspects match younger children and older adults.

Q. I am involved with a widower whose wife died 3 years ago. He is 64 and I am 58. He sold his business and looked after her for 14 months after her brain cancer was diagnosed. She died at home after extensive treatment in a totally loving and committed environment. They had an above average marriage and a very special bond for 22 years. He raised her 4 sons from a previous marriage to adulthood and they have the greatest respect for him.

I need help in dealing with the fact that we met 3 years after her death and our relationship started off well with a commitment soon to follow. Around the time of the commemoration of her death this year he became silent and distant and asked for "space". I have been patient but am truly hurt that I was not special enough to ease his pain. He seems to feel he is cheating on her!!

We started so well and then he defaulted back to his grief. He assures me it has nothing to do with me, he just cannot settle into a new relationship no matter how good is seems.

He is moving into a new house and faces having to unpack all their things. Will this be healing or aggravating to his grief? Do I offer to help or stay away? He indicates that he wants to do it alone and "needs time".

  I have been alone for 30 years and am socially active so I am not needy or financially draining him. However, to me it seems his grief is prolonged and acute!

A. Thank you for writing in with this important and fairly common situation. I get as many letters from men who are in this situation as I do women, so it doesn’t seem to be gender specific.

Let me give you a little grief 101 background. If you are aware of all of this, please forgive me. However, it’s important that we are on the same page. Many people begin dating shortly after the death of a spouse. They miss the companionship of reporting on their day, going out to dinner with someone and generally doing what adults do. We were, in my opinion, created to be with others and so wanting that in our lives is important and healthy.

It’s interesting to hear you say that a commitment was soon to follow. I don’t know if you made a commitment to each other or you were expecting one. Neither would surprise me. However, when grieving people get to that place, often their mood and plans change. They become more aware that they have a need for companionship, but not another relationship like the one that is now gone. Sometimes they realize that the grief process is just beginning and they now have the energy to do this incredibly hard work. They end the relationship they have with the new person to become more singularly focused on the grieving they are compelled to do.

Please know this is not because of you. The process must be done in order for him to be ready to have a new relationship. This is the reason for failed second marriages that occur shortly after the death of a spouse. The grieving takes precedence and as the saying goes, “If you don’t process your grief, IT will process you!”

Q. My husband died several years ago. My, now, 6-year-old daughter remains devastated and states over and over again that she doesn’t have a daddy. I continue to explain and tell her she does have a daddy, but that he just isn’t here. I have her convinced that he watches over her and loves her from a distance. Even though she seems to understand this, she seems confused and at times afraid. Does this make sense? What can I do?

A. I’m so sorry to hear of the death of your husband and your daughter’s daddy. She is so young to experience such a devastating loss and it isn’t surprising that she remains devastated, confused and fearful. Children have normal fears, but after the death of a loved one, these fears tend to escalate and become more energized.

Death is a painful concept for a young child to understand, and experiencing the death of a loved one can leave a child feeling confused, helpless and alone. The challenge here is to help children think about ways to cope with the challenges life has sent their way. I understand your wish to convince her of her dad’s presence in her life. However, convincing a child only goes so far. It might have more impact and be more helpful for her to realize how her daddy is in her life. For example, if she says something that her father would say, point that out to her. If she shows personality traits that he also had, show her that and talk with her about how her father remains in her. Of course, my belief structure also holds promise for the signs that our loved ones show us after their death.

Another part of the process of helping children grieve is reflecting on how to communicate their feelings of love AND loss. The children with whom I work are confused about why a loved one dies. They are scared that the same thing will happen to them. Helping them find ways of communicating their feelings is a very big part of our task in helping them. This can be done through story writing or telling, art, dollhouse play, and puppetry. Play therapy is such an important technique and one that is beneficial to the child whether it is done with a therapist or a parent who is intentional in his or her playtime.

  It is most important, however, that the child be able to do any grief work in a safe and supportive environment. If the child feels judged in any way or feels responsible for the parent, the environment is not deemed safe and supportive. It is difficult for parents to remain neutral in doing this work, especially if they are grieving too. Many grieving parents find it more beneficial and expedient for a counselor to do this work with the children. However, some parents do it very effectively.

I am glad you are looking for answers for your child. Her grief is and will remain very different from yours and this is normal. Her fears will be alleviated slowly, only to be replaced by others as she grows and develops. This is also normal and not to be fretted over. The more you show her you are not concerned about these developmental stages, the more she will take them in stride.

Q. I am currently conducting two groups on grieving for incarcerated women in a female rehabilitative community. I frankly don’t know what I’m doing. I was given the Grief Recovery Handbook by John James and Russell Friedman, but at only a couple of weeks into the group we’re already most of the way through the book. 

All of these women have lost loved ones and I know all of them have unresolved relationships to grieve and other incomplete losses. I was wondering if you thought your first book, Grief Relief & Continuing Relationships would be helpful, as most of these women are trying to recover from addictions and need to work a spiritual program in recovery.

A. Bless you for all you do for these women. I have long believed that those who are unable to fit into society have special needs that have been ignored throughout their lives. I admire your commitment and your dedication to go beyond to find help for them.

   I have just returned from a conference where I was invited to speak to those bereaved after the loss of a child/children. The book was a hit there (as well as the workshop that we did regarding the book). As you have stated, unresolved losses rank high on the list of issues that create low self-esteem, depression and anxiety.

   One of the main factors that came from my dissertation work was that if people are able to lean into the coping strategies they have been successful using for other issues in their lives, they fair better. For example, if you have a client who is working a drug/alcohol program and has used spirituality as a base for her recovery, teaching them to lean into that spirituality to assimilate and heal from their losses works great! I truly believe in the power of spirituality so of course I would choose that example.

   I have had several other professionals write to say they have purchased our Grief Relief book for their group participants and used it as a workbook with them. It has worked well and the participants gained much long lasting relief from working through the steps. I have no reservations about suggesting this approach for your clients. I would, however, suggest getting a copy for yourself to see if you feel this would be helpful. You know these women and you will know what speaks to their heart when you read it for yourself first.

   Please let me know what you decide to do. You also might want to look through the loss website that I master. You can go to
www.counselingforloss.com.  It has quite a bit of "good stuff" that you might find helpful.  Good luck to you and keep me posted on ways I might be helpful to you.

 

Q. My niece died last year. She was my brother and sister-in-law’s only child. Kara was 14 when she died of a brain aneurysm. She was alive one minute and gone the next. They had no time to prepare and had no idea she had this issue.

Since Kara’s death my family has been devastated. My parents complain about their lack of energy and spend most of their evenings quietly at home. They use to attend my children’s sporting events, but say they feel guilty now that my brother doesn’t have any to attend so they don’t come either. My children understand but, of course, hope their grandparents will respond to them as they used to.

My brother goes to work everyday. He was on a fast track up the ladder of his corporation but now has no interest in doing so. He says there is no one left to earn money for so why should he break his neck trying to be successful. He just talks about wanting the time go by quickly so he can retire and not have to talk with anyone.

My sister-in-law was a stay at home mom. All she ever wanted to do was have a family and take care of them. Unfortunately, she was not able to have any more children after Kara was born. Staying home has never been an issue for them because my brother has made a good living and our mom never worked outside the home either. My sister-in-law now has no one to take care, no one to prepare for, and no one to run around with. She says her life is over and she is just waiting to die. I’ve checked to see if she is actually suicidal, but she says she would never do that.

My husband and I have three children. I’m sure it would just kill me if I were to loose one of them, but I don’t think I would be in the depths of despair that my brother and sister-in-law are. Is it really so different to loose an only child?

A. I am so sorry to learn about the death of your niece, Kara. Having her die so suddenly certainly complicates the issue as well as Kara having no brothers or sisters. I’m sure your entire family is devastated about this loss. The loss of a child always brings about changes in a family. These changes are fluid with portions of the family gaining some stability faster than other parts.

Thanks for writing in with this question. The death of an only child certainly complicates the grieving process. There are numerous differences and I will dedicate the next several columns talking about the unique experience of being now childless.

The next several columns will explain how parents whose only child, or all of their children have died grieve differently than parents who have surviving children. Having no surviving child complicates the grieving process. Parents feel they no longer have anyone to place their hopes and dreams on. They have no one to devote their time and energy toward. They have no one to dote on giving them their love and energy. The death of their child means they will never be a grandparent, walk someone down the aisle for their wedding, or have someone to look after them in their old age.

We, as thanatologists, know there are some profound differences for these parents and grand parents. First, these parents are hit with an identity challenge very early on in their grief. Second, it generally takes a longer period of time for parents without surviving child to reinvest in life. Third, these parents generally look for help through groups or counselors earlier than bereaved parents who have surviving children. Fourth, parents now childless have significant difficulties as they age due to not having children to leave their estate to but more importantly not having anyone who can help them in their elder years.

These differences create the complication factors for this grieving group. There is no way to fix any of these challenges; they just must be dealt with one at a time. Finding support is really imperative to them being able to survive in a society where most people have surviving children.

As for all grieving people, it is important to take special care of yourself. Getting adequate rest, allowing yourself to cry, finding a way to exercise moderately, eating right and having medical check ups is very valuable. Some people find keeping a journal for their thoughts, feelings and dreams is helpful. Others find that reading books and articles about being childless is helpful. Still others find that talking with other bereaved parents is beneficial. Child loss luckily is rare, but being childless is even more so. Try to gain what you can from meeting with other bereaved parents. All grief is different so try to keep it in mind that you will grieve in the best way for you.

Try to not feel “stuck” in your grief. Realize that this is false because your grief can’t be stuck – it’s just the way you do it. Look back over several months or years to see the changes you have made in your life. Use a long stick to measure success.

Q. Is there anything else we should know about parents who have no surviving children?

A. This is the third article in the series and I hope it has been helpful for those of you who unfortunately are parents of no surviving children and those of you who support these people.

The topic of whether or not to take medication after the death of a child is a hotly discussed one. The main rule of thumb is if you needed medication for your emotional well being before the death of your child, you will most likely need to stay on this medication as you grief. However, if you did not need medication to deal with everyday life, you probably do not need to add it due to the loss of your child or children. Of course, everyone is different and you and your physician or counselor may determine that you do not fit within the above-mentioned groups.

How to grieve such an unspeakable and unthinkable loss is also wondered about. Kay Bevington, the grieving mother of Rhonda, her only child, “ You must walk (sometimes crawl) slowly, step by step, through your grief. You can compare your grief walk to a small child learning to walk. We take a few steps forward, a few steps backward, do some side steps, fall down and pick ourselves back up again and start over”.

Grief is an active process. It has been my experience that those who depend on time healing them have a much more difficult and longer path. Whether you do the work with a counselor, clergy person, or alone please begin to set a small goal for yourself. It might be that you will take a walk everyday, join a friend for lunch or dinner once a week, read something uplifting a few times a week, or put fresh flowers in your home. These things may sound silly but they will trigger your emotions as well as your physical body that you are going to survive this nightmare and you will be functional again.

Break your time down into manageable bits. Looking ahead a week can seem overwhelming. Sometime, in the early days of grief, looking toward tomorrow can be daunting. Just take today, or this hour or even this minute and breath. Don’t put too much on your plate at any one time and realize that your world has changed. Don’t focus on what tomorrow will bring when you are having a difficult time controlling today. Try to stay in the present and know that tomorrow will come without you needing to worry about it.

Q. My grief story is a little different from the usual ones I see in your column, but I'm strongly identifying with the feelings of grief that I read about on website and hear people talk about.

My grief is about the loss of my parents. However, in my case the grief goes all the way back to my earliest childhood and it has been locked away for 45 years. Only recently did I pierce through the layers of denial and anger, and now I'm flooded with this intense grief that cannot find any solace or relief.

You see my parents did not literally die when I was a child. What happened is that they both have a severe mental disability that caused them to be unable to form any bonds with me. Consequently, there was no love in the household. There was a lot of neglect and abuse, which I've had to work through, but it seems now that work is done and what I'm feeling is the loss of never having been loved. This feels a lot like what I'm reading about on grief/loss web sites like yours, the only difference being others are mourning the loss of what they had while I'm mourning the loss of what I never had.

Can you recommend a path for me to follow where those differences would not be a stumbling block for me to get helpful support? Would I be better off working one-on-one with a therapist, or in a support group?

A. I’m so sorry to hear about your upbringing and the heartache this has caused for you. I applaud your dedication to finding help and your ability to recognize your need to work with your feelings of grief and loss.

Joining a typical grief group might not put you with those who would be sympathetic to your particular kind of grief. People in grief groups normally want to be able to relate to the kind of grief they, themselves, have experienced so you might not feel as supported by them. I believe working with an individual therapist would provide more support and a better working format for you. You might also look into any groups that NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) might have for those who are living with loved ones with mental illness. The commonalities you would have with those folks might be very soothing and supportive for you.

Losses, of any kind, change who we are. They create a different set of priorities, different friends, and different ways to work, play and learn. Embracing these changes, instead of fighting them can bring peace to weary souls and grieving hearts. Your situation compounds this truth because of the abuse and lack of social training you learned. The latter of these can be learned and the former can be lived with. Work with your therapist and use who you are to be the guide in your work. Set your goals by understanding and creating who you want to be.

Good luck to you as you pursue a life you deserve, and the happiness you crave.

Q. How do I find the best grief counselor for me?  I have a list of "mental health" providers from my insurance company and have sorted through them according to how high "grief counseling" is on their specialty list.  I have also sorted them by how long they have been practicing.  Where can I find the descriptions of MSW, PHD, Psychiatric Nurse, MA, MED, MS, EDD, MSSW, EDS & MSN?  And finally, which one of these will best suit my needs for grief counseling?

A. Thank you for writing and I’m so sorry you are finding a need for a grief counselor. That, of course, tells me you have or will soon be experiencing a significant loss and are looking for some guidance and support to deal with this.

I’m glad you went to your insurance provider first. Counseling can be expensive, mostly because it is usually done over an extended period of time. Most of the time you will only need to pay your copay amount, although at times a deductible will be involved as well. Finding the right counselor for you is really the project. Working with someone with whom you feel comfortable is most important. You won’t be able to tell that by going through a list from your insurance company. However, finding someone who specializes in grief and loss, is local to your area, and their practice experience can be found through your own insurance website. My suggestion is for you to call a few of these people and talk directly with them. Let the receptionist know that you would like to consult with the counselor over the phone to ascertain his or her experience, personality and style of working with someone who has your particular loss.

I will do my best to explain the differences in degrees you mention above. An MSW is someone who has his or her Master’s degree in Social Work. Usually you will find these folks in social service agencies and in hospices. Ph.D. is one who has their doctorate in Philosophy. These people are usually counselors or psychologists who may or not have a specialty in grief. A Psychiatric Nurse is someone who has specialized, usually, in inpatient psychiatric centers. Someone with a M.A. has a Master’s in the Art’s degree. Someone with his or her M.Ed., has their Master’s degree in Education, an MS is a Master’s in Science, an EDD is an advanced degree in Education, an MSSW is a Master of Science in Social Work. An EDS is also an advanced degree in Education and someone who has an MSN has their Master of Science degree in nursing.

What is important is that someone is a licensed professional counselor (LPC), a licensed professional clinical counselor (LPCC), a licensed independent social worker (LISW), or a psychologist (Ph.D.) who has the designation of certified thanatologist (CT) or fellow in thanatology (FT) following their educational credentials. If no one in your plan has that designation, they are not the highest trained in the field of grief and loss.

Call to ask about their experience and find someone who you resonate with.

Q. My Dad died ten years ago and he fought his death every step of the way. He didn’t want to die, denied he was dying and was frightened and depressed during the process. My Mom, on the other hand, died six months ago. She almost seemed to welcome death and was calm and cool with each of the losses she faced as her health, eyesight and mobility declined. Why do some people face death with an upbeat attitude and some fear it?

A. I’m so sorry to hear about the deaths of both of your parents. Being the oldest generation of your family certainly changes things!

Max Lucado, author of And The Angels Were Silent explains the difference you speak of in this way.

‘Hot sun. Salty air. Rhythmic waves. A little boy is on the beach. On his knees he scoops and packs the sand with plastic shovels into a bright red bucket. Then he upends the bucket on the surface and lifts it. And to the delight of the little architect, a castle tower is created.

All afternoon he will work. Spooning out the moat. Packing the walls. Bottle tops will be sentries. Popsicle sticks will be bridges. A sandcastle will be built.

Big city. Busy streets. Rumbling traffic. A man in his office.

At his desk he shuffles papers into stacks and delegates assignments. He cradles the phone on his shoulder and punches the keyboard with his fingers. Numbers are juggled and contracts are signed. And much to the delight of the man, a profit is made.

All his life he will work. Formulating the plans. Forecasting the future. Annuities will be sentries. Capital gains will be bridges. An empire will be built.

Two builders of two sandcastles. They have much in common. They shape granules into grandeurs. They see nothing and make something. They are diligent and determined. And for both the tide will rise and the end will come.

Yet, that is where the similarities cease. For the boy sees the end, while the man ignores it.

So one is prepared and one isn’t One is peaceful while the other panics.

As the waves near, the wise child jumps to his feet and begins to clap. There is no sorrow. No fear. No regret. He knew this would happen. He is not surprised. And when the great breaker crashes into his castle and his masterpiece is sucked into the sea, he smiles. He smiles, picks up his tools, takes his father’s hand, and goes home.’

I think it’s clear that your mom was working on sand castles during her lifetime.

Q. My Dad died ten years ago and he fought his death every step of the way. He didn’t want to die, denied he was dying and was frightened and depressed during the process. My Mom, on the other hand, died six months ago. She almost seemed to welcome death and was calm and cool with each of the losses she faced as her health, eyesight and mobility declined. Why do some people face death with an upbeat attitude and some fear it?

A. I’m so sorry to hear about the deaths of both of your parents. Being the oldest generation of your family certainly changes things!

Max Lucado, author of And The Angels Were Silent explains the difference you speak of in this way.

‘Hot sun. Salty air. Rhythmic waves. A little boy is on the beach. On his knees he scoops and packs the sand with plastic shovels into a bright red bucket. Then he upends the bucket on the surface and lifts it. And to the delight of the little architect, a castle tower is created.

All afternoon he will work. Spooning out the moat. Packing the walls. Bottle tops will be sentries. Popsicle sticks will be bridges. A sandcastle will be built.

Big city. Busy streets. Rumbling traffic. A man in his office.

At his desk he shuffles papers into stacks and delegates assignments. He cradles the phone on his shoulder and punches the keyboard with his fingers. Numbers are juggled and contracts are signed. And much to the delight of the man, a profit is made.

All his life he will work. Formulating the plans. Forecasting the future. Annuities will be sentries. Capital gains will be bridges. An empire will be built.

Two builders of two sandcastles. They have much in common. They shape granules into grandeurs. They see nothing and make something. They are diligent and determined. And for both the tide will rise and the end will come.

Yet, that is where the similarities cease. For the boy sees the end, while the man ignores it.

So one is prepared and one isn’t One is peaceful while the other panics.

As the waves near, the wise child jumps to his feet and begins to clap. There is no sorrow. No fear. No regret. He knew this would happen. He is not surprised. And when the great breaker crashes into his castle and his masterpiece is sucked into the sea, he smiles. He smiles, picks up his tools, takes his father’s hand, and goes home.’

I think it’s clear that your mom was working on sand castles during her lifetime.

Q. My sister has Rheumatoid Arthritis and has suffered with year with it. She has recently joined an organization called Creaky Joints and has found that doing volunteer activities makes her feel more useful and physically better.

My husband died eight months ago and as I go into this, my first holiday season without him, I’m wondering if volunteering would help me get through these days as well. Is there any research that tells me if this would be helpful to me?

A. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your husband. The holiday season can be brutal for those who are grieving, and I’m so glad you asked this question.

It is important to note that much research has been done on what is most helpful for grievers. Basically, the experts say that your personality doesn’t change after the death of a loved one. You have probably noticed this too, in that the same experiences that made you feel stressed before the death of your husband, make you feel super stressed now. The reverse is also true in that those experience that bring you some peace now, brought you lots of peace before you were grieving. So, your personality doesn’t change, however, your reactions may be a bit more exaggerated.

My doctoral research showed that those who were altruistic by nature and experience and engaged in this volunteering behavior while grieving found this practice to be very helpful for them. Sometimes these people would go back to things they had previously volunteered for. They would be with the same people, doing the same activity and this helped them to feel more grounded. Others found volunteering different places brought a wider social circle to them and helped them fill their days and evenings that previously they had spent with family members.

There are many volunteer activities and opportunities during this holiday season. Food pantries, churches, schools and organizations are gathering gifts, food and money to help those less fortunate. If you don’t have a plan to volunteer, please consider it. Call your favorite charity today to see what you can do to help. It’s a great way to feel good about yourself and to do some manual labor in the name of your husband. What an awesome way to say be truly thankful!

Q. Thanksgiving is next week. I can’t believe this time of year is here. I’ve been dreading this day and this season since January 20th, when my son, Evan, killed himself. I knew it would be the hardest time of year for my family and I. However, at that point, I thought Christmas would be the hardest. It was always my favorite holiday but this year I really don’t care. However, Thanksgiving is a totally different story.

Thanksgiving is a time of being thankful, right? It’s a time to be grateful for the abundance in our lives, for family and friends, for our health and our wealth. It’s a time for parties, get togethers and the hustle and bustle of preparing for Christmas, Hanukah or Kwanza. It’s not suppose to be dreaded and hidden for, right? So tell me, what are we suppose to do? We certainly aren’t grateful for the abundance of children in our lives. With Evan being gone, that leaves one! We aren’t thankful for family and friends as they don’t know how to talk with us or help us and seem to just want to pretend Evan didn’t exist, didn’t have mental health issues and certainly didn’t kill himself. We aren’t thankful for our health as it is deteriorating alone with our meager wealth as neither of us could care about our jobs and are both in trouble with our employers.

It’s not a time for parties and we have canceled Christmas this year. Just, please someone, tell us how to get through this time and we’ll follow your instruction. This we can do!

A. I’m so sorry to hear about the death of Evan. Suicide is so difficult to be dealing with. Clients tell me all the time that they know their family member was only thinking about themselves when they took their own lives. Of course this is so hurtful, but it’s important to believe in your heart that his illness was causing him to behave this way. If he felt there was another way, I believe he would have chosen it.

So often, people who are grieving, not matter the form of death, really border on hating this time of year for all the reasons you note above. Don’t push yourself to be thankful this year. Sometimes when you try so hard it pushes it further away from you.

This is the time of year you need to stay out of the stores, choose carefully who you want to spend time with and be especially kind to yourself. By this point in your grief process, you probably know what brings you a sense of calm. This is the time to do more of it. Don’t allow what others feel you SHOULD be doing to change your behavior. Listen to your heart and it will point you in the kindness direction for you.

Q. Our baby daughter died last January. She was only 4 days old but that doesn’t mean we didn’t love her. Here we are now in the holiday season where we thought we would be showing our little girl the Christmas tree, talking about Santa and beginning the tradition of telling her The Night Before Christmas story. Instead, we are trapped in what we are referring to as our own Holiday Hell. Everyone seems to forget that our precious AnaLeise is not with us. It is business as usual. In fact, last week at Thanksgiving (which I attended under duress) no one even asked how we were doing without her. Do they all have dementia?

My wife and I want to know what we should be doing during this season. Even though we are pregnant again, there is no joy as we are scared this is going to happen again. Everything is fine with the pregnancy, but it was with AnaLeise too. Please tell us what we can do to get through the next month.

A. I am so sorry to hear about your sweet AnaLeise. Losing a child, no matter the age, is life changing and devastating. I really can’t imagine what you are feeling.

When we have no words, we create ritual. Please know that having ritual during this holiday season will not create happiness or fill the void in your heart. We aren’t searching to “fix” the problem, only give you ways to cope with your loss.

Grieving parents have unique ways of bringing a deceased child into their holidays. Some parents will donate to charities in their child’s name either through a monetary gift or present types of gifts. I’ve told the story in this forum before of Amanda’s mom who donates a gift and a batch of Amanda’s favorite cookies to someone who is the age Amanda would be each Christmas.

Another bereaved parent buys an ornament each year in memory of her son, Scott, and gives these to those who knew her son and helped her through her grief process. These ornaments become treasured mementoes for the receivers. Another parent asks visitors to write a message to her son, and place the note in his Christmas stocking. On New Year’s Day, she burns these notes without reading them, as they are for her son. Christopher’s Dad and step-mom decorate a special tree in their house just using Christopher’s ornaments as well as ornaments they have collected that remind them of him.

There are many things you can do to remember and memorialize AnaLeise. Be creative and get others involved.

Q My husband died in September. What should I do about sending holiday greeting cards this year?
A This is an excellent question and one that is asked so often during this time of year. There are many ways to work through this issue. Any way you chose to do this is just fine. Do what helps you the most. Here are a few suggestions.

  • Consider changing your traditional family holiday cards. Some people decide not to send cards the first year. That is perfectly okay if it fits your needs. The down side of skipping this year is waiting 12 months for this “first” to come around again.
  • Include a letter about the changes you and your family are dealing with since the death of your loved one. Also, mention how you are doing and future plans you are making.
  • Buy your cards from organizations that donate some of the proceeds to help others.

Do you have other suggestions? What has worked for you? Please write to me and let me know how you have handled this issue and how you felt it helped of hindered your grief process. Sharing our successes and challenges helps us all to learn from each other and their experiences.


 

Copyright © 2009 Counseling for Loss and Life Changes                                             Last Updated January 25, 2009
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