Counseling for Loss and Life Changes, Inc.

Q. I was just fired from my job. I think I was seen as a bad and unproductive employee. My husband died of brain cancer five months ago. I used all my vacation and sick time to be with him when he was ill. I didn’t know about the Family Leave Act and it appears my employer was not about to provide me with those details. Twenty days after his death, I returned to work. I had to! I have three little girls to support and I need my job. Ironically, I worked in the human relations department.
          Part of my job was to get employees back to work and find the support that they need so they can be productive. I am guilty of having an expectation that other employees who were returning after a bereavement leave should be more productive than they were able to be.
          I was given no training to work with bereaved people and other than talking with them, I made no special accommodations for their lack of concentration, organization, and energy. I now understand these needs. It’s too late for them and too late for me. I am much wiser now and would like to use this knowledge to help others. What accommodations should be made for grieving employees?

A.  I am so sorry to hear of the death of your husband. Brain cancer is so difficult on the family and I’m sure it was on you and your little girls. I’m also so sorry for the loss of your job. I hope you have luck in using your knowledge to find even a better job!
          I have had the privilege of speaking to managers about grief in the workplace. I believe the best way for an employer to begin the support process if to learn about grief and understand the incredible toll it takes on the employee and all those he or she works with. Without this knowledge, most employers and co-workers will run away, ignore, or change the subject when a grief reaction comes in to focus.
          Unfortunately, this creates isolation, a disconnection, and detachment for the employee who is grieving. Their normal concentration and organization abilities are severely challenged and the treatment they are given by uninformed employers is usually not supportive. Employers would be wise to realize that each bereavement situation is unique and no limited program will cover all situations. Employees need to be treated as individuals and be supervised and reviewed as individuals. I hope you will find a new job in the same field and be able to bring this knowledge into your new place of business. Good luck.  Jane

 Q. Last week you gave us some information about grief in the workplace and accommodations that could be made. Would you please continue this subject and tells us what else could be done to accommodate these employees?

A. Thanks for asking. I would be happy to continue this column as the information is so needed. Did you know that every day in the United States alone, over twenty million people are grieving the death of someone they loved? Have you thought about the fact that they carry their grief with them whether they are going back to work or school, going to church, traveling or shopping? You are interacting with those people everyday and although your world may look the same, theirs looks completely different. Grieving employees may not be quite as productive as they were before they experienced the death. However, the workplace can provide an outlet and a place for them to escape the daily stresses of the loss. The workplace can provide a routine and a familiar established spot where they can feel confident that their life has some stability. The routine of getting up in the morning, getting dressed and leaving for work can be helpful for the bereaved person.
          As stated previously, educating the employees and managers about grief is imperative. If the bereaved employee is receiving outside counseling, supporting them by finding out what accommodations are necessary for them would be helpful. Such accommodations might mean a shortened workday, quieter place to work or frequent breaks. Realizing the reality of the death and the impact that it will have on the employee as well as his or her co-workers is paramount. When an employee returns to work, everyone is affected. Some people want to ask how the grieving employee is doing, but don’t know what to say or “don’t want to make her cry”. Other people want business as usual and want to pretend the grieving person was on an extended vacation. Try to help the co-workers devise a plan of being supportive to the returning employee.
          Assessing the impact of the missing employee and the impact of how his or her production will affect the company is also important. Finding ways for people to fill this gap without placing a hardship on anyone is important. Hiring a temporary worker for a few more days through the coming week might be much less expensive than hiring and training a new employee.   Jane

 Q.  I am a hopeful and helpful person. I have spent my life caring for others in some way or another. I am a great cook, good listener and have a strong suit in organization. I use all these skills to help those who are suffering from illness and emotional pain. I have been a children’s advocate and most recently, I’ve been working for hospice. I love my work but it is time to retire. I don’t want to stop helping others, but know I need to do it in another way. I always say when God closes a door He opens a window. This new assignment God has for me is working with people who are grieving. Our church has decided to begin a bereavement ministry and has asked me to get it organized. Can you share some basics about grieving people that we can build our program on?

A.  Congratulations on your retirement. I am sure it is well deserved. Bless your heart for dedicating this new phase of your life to volunteering and helping those who so desperately need the help!
          Let me provide you with a few pointers that may form the foundation of a bereavement program. Grieving people do not have enough energy to carry out the uncomplicated tasks of daily living. Their energy goes primarily to the hard work of grieving. Helping people with these tasks is so wonderful. Asking them, however, what you can do to help is usually not beneficial for the volunteer or the grieving person. The bereaved will not tell you how to help them because they usually don't know. Offer to bring in a meal, clean the house, run some errands, go to the grocery store and or address or mail their thank you notes.
          The concentration level of most people who are grieving is not the best. They often believe they are losing their minds because they have an inability to think clearly, to remember things, or find the right words for their thoughts or feelings. Normalizing this issue and being patient and kind with their brain freezes is a loving thing to do. People who are grieving the loss of a loved one do not want to hear the stories of someone else’s pain
and sadness. So many times my clients will tell me that whenever they bring up the courage to tell their story, the person they are telling will bring up their own stories of loss and heartache. This is not helpful and does not help the grieving person feel better. Being a good listener without sharing your own story is a loving thing to do.  Jane
  
Q.  I lost my sweet little girl to a house fire 2 months ago. I don't understand why God took her away from me. She was bright little girl and full of life and it has been hard for me to get through this. I also have a 9 yr old son who watched his sweet little sister, dad, and grandma die in this fire. I am looking for answers on how to explain to him and help him through this tough time. He was very close to these people and they did everything together. He, of course, especially misses his sister, as they were each other’s best friend and playmate. My husband had to go to the funeral home and identify my daughter. He is haunted by this horrible site and has terrible nightmares seeing her body in this condition. He always told her he would protect her and feels awful that he was not able to do this. He can’t be comforted and I don’t have the strength to comfort him anyways.
          We are all so devastated. Can you help us?

A.  I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your little girl. I can’t imagine how horrible this has been for you and your family. I hope you are getting some help through your church, community mental health center or a private practitioner who specializes in grief work. This is certainly a family issue and the family will need to work hard to get through this loss.
          There are several good books to read with your son. One is called, The Next Place. It is written by Warren Hanson. The other book is 35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child and authored by the Dougy Center.
          Another idea for your son would be to help him make a memory box for your daughter. A shoe box will do for this project. Allow him and help him decorate the box in memory of your daughter. Then, have him select some pictures, and other special things that remind him of the times with his sister. I have watched as children have included some personal writing, drawn pictures, articles of clothing, and even some of their sibling awards into the box. The contents then tell a story of that person that is personal and so meaningful.
          Helping your husband deal with this trauma of identifying the body of your little one is very difficult. Often times we see people in this distress who become angry, sullen, and or quiet. It is difficult to help him because he doesn’t know what would be helpful. Meeting him where he is would be my suggestion. If he wants to talk, then listen. If he wants to be quiet, then sit with him quietly. Try to understand what his nightmares are like and be thankful that you didn’t have to see this. Jane

 Q. My wife died wife died three years ago. I have had so many opportunities to go out and be with other people, but I haven’t been interested in doing so. One day, I was talking with my neighbor over the back fence. She said she was concerned about me because she hadn’t seen me much over the winter
and wondered what I was doing to keep myself socially active. I told her I had lots of invitations, but just didn’t want to go alone. She explained to me that she had been a young widow. I was shocked to hear this. We are only neighbors but I know her husband and her children and didn’t know she had faced the devastation of widowhood. She told me that the only thing that helped her survive was a piece of advice she was given by a great aunt. She said, “Never say no to any invitations”. I nodded and told her I understood that’s what I should do, but also explained that it wasn’t in my nature to go places alone. I also told her that Netty always made our plans for us, always told me what to wear, and just made my social life so easy for me. “I’m totally lost without her.” My neighbor reached across the fence and gave me a knowing hug. She said, “Harold, the only way you are going to be able to get through this is the same way I did, NEVER SAY NO!”
          That was two months ago. I thought about what she said and I decided to get out of my comfort area and try it her way. I am glad to report that although I still miss my Netty more than anything, I do feel better. I have attended two high school graduation parties, a family wedding, and three invitations to picnics with friends. I am so thankful that these people did not give up on me. It has been a pleasure to see that people haven’t forgotten this old man and that they have gone out of their way to make me comfortable. I just wanted to share what has worked for me and invite others to try it.

A.  I am so sorry to hear about the death of your Netty. She sounds like a wonderful woman and I’m sure you miss her each and every day.
          I want to commend you for being a brave soul. It is VERY tough to go out by yourself, but you are proof that this works and you are happier.
Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful suggestion. I hope you have been able to share these positive experiences with your neighbor. You know, some say it takes a village to raise a child. I think it takes a community to help someone grieve in a healthy way! Jane

 Q.  My husband died six years ago. I’m an old lady now and am not interested in having a new relationship with anyone. However, I do enjoy reading your column and articles written by others about the process of grief.
          I recently read an article about expert companionship. It seemed the authors were talking about grief experts as opposed to companions. I wondered if they could be the same person. What is the difference?

A.  I’m sorry to hear about the death of your husband. It may seem to some that six years is a long time, but I know that compared to the years you were probably together, it just isn’t very much time. I’m so glad that you are reading information that will be helpful to you in your continuing grief process. I hope you share this information with others who may not be as motivated as you are to seek it out.
          In the article that you sent me, expertise means scholarly knowledge and clinical training. They are talking about those who have studied this from the perspective of books, articles and other resources without necessarily having any practical experience with grief.
          Companionship is defined as those who are aware of the limits of their scholarly knowledge and those who feel they may be struggling with the answers regarding the questions of life and death. Expert companions are those who will gladly listen to the worst stories of grief and loss. They are open to learning from the bereaved. They are willing and able to tolerate the craziness that comes from the throws of grief. Most importantly, they are there for the long haul. They don’t push the bereaved person,
but gently invite them to share their stories. They don’t offer their own opinions, advice, or speculations unless the grieving person is requesting it. They realize the limitations of their expertise and they don’t try to make up for these limitations. In fact, they make them known and are comfortable with themselves.
          In my opinion, good grief counselors are expert companions. They have a base of knowledge, but they use that knowledge as their foundation. They are great listeners and realize that all grief is different and their job is to meet the grieving person where he or she is. They understand what normal grief is, are aware of, and can watch for any danger signs that are presented. They don’t put their own ideas of death, grief, loss, bereavement of spirituality out for discussion. They realize that grief is personal and it is a process. Jane

Q. I'm considering becoming a counselor who specializes in grief and loss. I've been inspired to this profession because I was widowed at the age of 26 six years ago.  There was a serious lack of programs out there to help someone in my age range who was going through grief and I had to do a lot of exploration myself. It was a long, hard road, but I think I've come out of it pretty well. Now, I feel like have a calling to try to help other people through this process. I have always felt that someone who had been through such a loss would have been a great asset in my healing because they were talking from experience  when so many of the counselors I worked with were not. There's a level of understanding that someone grieving feels like they need to relate to in the person who's trying to help them. At least, that is how it was for me.
     I would like to know if there is any way I can shadow you or someone in your clinic to get a real feel for this position. I know I can't work with you when you're working with patients, but perhaps I could at least have a discussion about the realities of this sort of work.
     Is there any way you can help me out? I need help in determining if this is a good career path for me to take. It's something I've been toying with in my head over the last few years, and now that I'm at a point where I think I could handle such a venture, I'd like to explore
the possibilities.

A.  I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your husband. Losing a spouse at any age is so difficult but being so young probably complicated the process for you. You are also correct regarding well run programs for young widows and widowers. They are certainly lacking in number and quality!
     Unfortunately, there is no way to shadow a counselor. If we are not meeting with clients, we are doing their billing, writing their progress notes or treatment plans, or in supervision with other counselors discussing clients. All of which is, of course, confidential. This is a problem for people who want to go into the counseling field.
     I do have a suggestion for you. It isn't like actually watching counseling sessions but there are several books which give a pretty accurate perspective on the field of counseling, and specifically grief counseling. They are:
          Surviving and Thriving: Grief Relief & Continuing Connections - Jane Bissler, Deneene Florino and Sara Ruble